My Reality..

... This is Something.. So Personal..
And I Know That.. Writing About Me.. is So Unusual..
I Hate To Cry..
I Hate Memories.. I Hate to Memorize..
I Hate Songs..Sad Songs..
That Constantly Reminds Me.. That Love is Gone..
Love Songs.. That Shows Me.. That Something in My Life is Missing.. Or is Wrong..
And Yes I've Dealt With It All..
I've Been The Cheater.. The Cheated.. And The Girl.. That You Would Call..
Because I Didn't Want Love.. I Just Wanted Lust.. Because Lust Seemed More Sustainable..
Love Seemed So Overrated.. And Unreachable.. More Or Less.. Unattainable..
And I Didn't Want to Fall Flat on My Face..
Because of Something that I Did to Someone Else In The Past.. I Didn't Want to Be Caught.. But I Loved The Chase..
Told Myself That I Was Happy.. Because Mentally.. I Was.. Or Close To That Place..
But Emotionally.. I Was Scarred..
Physically I Was Scared..
Spiritually.. I Was Broken..
But Mentally.. I Was Hoping..
Happiness.. Stayed..
The Games That I Played..
I Convinced Them All.. That They Needed Me.. The People I Trapped..
Forced Them To Depend On Me.. And Gave Them A Temporary Sense of Security.. Like My Love Would Never Be Matched..
No One in This World.. Would Ever Come Close To What We Have..
Say It With Me.. I'm Better Than Your Past..
Nothing Like Your Present.. So Far Gone..
Say It With Me.. Your Future Without Me.. Is Like Another Sad Song..
That You Listened Too..
And The Words.. The Situations.. Seem So Real.. So Similiar.. That All You Can Do Is Cry..
You Close Your Eyes...
Invision Them.. You Invision Me..
Replaying.. The Good Times.. Over and Over Again.. The Sparks Flying.. Our Chemistry..
I've Done It All..
I've Been The Lonely Romantic Waiting By The Phone.. Just Wanting For You To Make The First Move.. To Be The First to Call..
And It Never Happened..
Love Someone Never Lasted..
With Me..
Never..
Sure..
I Get The 3 Month Grace Period.. Where Everything You Do.. is Just Wonderful.. Exceeding My Expectations..
My Love Comes Down.. We Feel One Another.. Through Feelings or Penetration..
Then You Get So Comfortable.. You No Longer See Me As A Good Enough Motivation..
To Want To Do Me Right.. Treat Me Like The Upmost Respect.. So You Show Me.. With A Loud Demonstration..
Yelling.. Arguing.. Fighting..
You Storm Out.. Leave Me.. With My Thoughts.. Wondering If I'm Wrong or If I'm Right.. And..
Not to Mention..
You Show No Attention..
Or Concern To My Needs..
Or What I Need..
So I Try To Tell Myself That It's Something That Everyone Goes Through..
You May Not Know What You Have.. But If You Knew..
And Maybe The Next One Will..
But Yet In Still..
Whenever I'm Faced With The Cards.. That Love Hands Me.. I Always Fold.. Never Deal..
Been Around So Much Fake Shit.. That I Can't Tell If It's Real..
I Always Hope That The Next One.. Will Show and Prove..
But They All Start Off Good.. And When They Feel Like They Have You.. It's Checkmate.. No Longer Your Move..
And A World Filled With Heartless People.. A Loveless Soul.. Has Nothing To Lose..
Different Name.. Face.. Place..
Sharing The Same Space..
As The Last One..
But When That Time Comes..
For Love To Pick Me..
When My Time Comes For Love.. I Want Love To See..
I'll Paint My Answer On The Walls of My Heart.. A Picture So Vivid...
To Love.. I'll Say.. Yes.. This is My Life.. And I've Lived It..
But I Have To Say Fuck Love.. Hell Fuck No.. Love Can't Stand Me..
And I To It.. I Have No Strong Foundation For Love To Grow Or Benefit..
And That is The Exact Reason Why I Have This Fuck Love Mentality..
I Guess.. It's Just My Harsh Reality..

Dedicated To My Ex..

... Infinity Fuck You...
I Had to Get That Out of The Way.. And If I Knew...
That This Story I Had To Tell..
Or That Days and Weeks of Me Trying to Include You in Every Train of Thought Would Only Take a Mere Matter of Minutes for That Train to Derail..
And Every Single Thought on That Train Would Never Make It Back to It's Destination..
Trying So Hard to Focus on Us.. But You Always Break My Concentration..
My Thought Process..
Because of You.. Our Love Will Be Laid To Rest..
And In One Instant.. I Could Never Get Back..
Or Would I Even Want Back.. The Memories..
The Feelings..
Our Beginning..
Us Sharing..
Disclosed..
Secrets.. From The Heart and Soul..
Only to Fear That.. My Secrets Will No Longer Be That..
Somehow They Would End Up On Twitter or Facebook.. In A Trending Topic or Notes.. Saying Revenge.. The Big Pay Back..
Or You Comparing Me To The Next Girl..
Or The Ex Girl.. That You Seem To Deem All Bad Because Previous Experiences Made You Hate Everything That Ever Set Foot In Your World..
Or Seemed To Cross Your Path..
No..
You Hate Me.. Well I Hope So..
I Hope That You Hate Me Enough That It Blind Sides You..
You Single Out Everyone And Begin To Think That Everyone is Alike.. And The Hate Turns into Hatred.. And You Start to Hate Yourself Too..
So Much..
That You Start To Question.. Love..
Confuse Love with Like.. Like with Lust..
And You Start to Question The Circles in Your Square.. Betraying Your Own Friends.. Forgetting Who To Trust..
Yes..
Convince Me..
Trick Yourself into Thinking That You're A Good Of A Person.. Like You Tricked Me..
I Was A Fool For Love..
Thinking Back To Every Kiss and Hug..
You Played The Part..
Acted Like You Felt The Same.. And I Had Your Heart..
Found A Loop Hole.. In This Thing Called Love.. Thought You Were So Smart..
Everything That You Did Had A Reason.. I Lied Because I Loved You..
I Looked Else Were For Affection.. Because I Needed You..
I Cheated Because I Couldn't See Myself.. Mistreating You..
Any Chance I Got To Creep Around.. I Took It..
And Any Chance I Got To Forgive You.. So Everything You Did.. I Over Looked It..
I Thought That Maybe.. If I Didn't Think About It.. And Close My Eyes..
And Open Them Back Up.. That It Would Disappear.. Would Vanish Out Of Mind..
Fuck You..
Yes.. I Have To Repeat Myself..
FUCK YOU..
And As Quiet As It's Kept..
Saying Fuck You.. Will Never Be Enough..
Fuck Love..
Fuck Whatever or Whoever is Next..
I Gave My All To You.. You Had Me As My Best..
So Again..
Fuck You.. And Let's Not Try To Pretend..
That We Will Be Friends..
I Hated That I Loved You..
And Had Love For You..
So I Dedicate This..
Middle Fingers To You.. My Ex..