Vulnerable

For this new chapter of my life..
I'm going against my own advice..
I'm going to be the most vulnerable that I've ever been..
And some of this will sound like a contradiction..
Because this is not the life that I've envisioned..
But these are the consequences of my actions..
The self-satifaction..
The anticipiation..
This generation..
Of lovers.. Of love..
The worse..
I'm truly curse..
It's like I'm destined to be alone..
I look at my dry phone..
I want love.. but am I really looking and searching..
When I'm then one that always end up hurting..
And hoping.. That this time.. Things will be different..
This is not the life that I envisioned..
Am I truly ready..
To go steady..
To date..
Because I always hesitate..
To replace my self-respect..
To accept disrespect..
Am I ready.. For this shit..
Honestly.. Where's the benefit..
What the point.. Why? What is love's purpose.. *Sigh*..
What can love do for me..
Honestly..
If I wanted love.. would it find me..
Even if I'm not ready..
To go steady..
I'm going to rock the boat..
First sign of trouble.. I'm grabbing my coat..
I'm leaving..
I'm grieving..
It in that very moment.. I'm not going to continue to try..
I'm not going to even cry..
Tears are for the weak.. Love keeps tempting me..
And then I feel so empty..
And I'm one of God's strongest soliders..
With everything that I'm carrying on my shoulders..
I can't carry us too..
I can afford to be confused..
And two things can we true..
I don't want or need you..
If you don't align with everything that I do..
And I only knew..
Everything you lose..
When you choose to be true..
When being faithful to those who faithfully disappoint me..
Sad realities..
When I'm the casuality..
In the war of words.. Never actions..
We harp on what we're both lacking..
It the battle of bias..
And preconcieved notions.. Doubt clouds my mind..
And with time..
Our love is not what it's supposed to be..
There is lack of deciency..
No type of common curticousy..
When falling in love.. Creates tension..
This is not what I envisioned..