3AM...

I Know That I Should Be Sleep..
But The Lover in Me Won't Cease..
So Mentally I Cheat..
I'm Laying Next to Them.. Thinking Of You.. Thoughts Of You And I On The Low.. So My Mind Creeps..
And I Crawl Back To You..
Physically I Can't See Myself With You..
So These Thoughts Cross Boundaries..
These Thoughts Of You.. I Wish Was Momentarily..
I Wish I Could Get Clarity..
12 AM.. And You Are Running Thought My Mind..
I'm Trying To Catch Up To Them.. But I'm So Far Behind..
12:15 I Drift Off.. Well Attempt Too..
But These Thoughts Of You..
Turns 12:15 Into 12:30..
And I Can See You And I Flirting..
You Showing Me..
And I Can't Sleep.. What is The Time..
Damn 12:45..
Still Up..
Thinking About Your Love..
And So I Turn On Some Music To Try To Relax..
More Thoughts Of You.. Sends The Memories All Back..
And I Relapse..
Still Trying To Track..
Whatever Triggered These Situations..
And It All Comes Back.. Times.. Dates.. And Locations..
I Smile..
Because I Can Remember The First Time That I Knew In My Heart That You Were Mine..
Then I Frown..
Remembering The First Time.. I Had To Cope With You Not Being Around..
And I Want To Cry..
But I've Shed So Many Tears Over You.. That No Tear Could Ever Fall From My Eyes..
I Promised Myself That No Tear Will Ever Roll Down My Face..
So I Wait..
1 Rolls Around.. And I Try To Deprogram The Memories..
Trying To Program My Mind To Think Of You As An Enemy..
And Now Songs play That Remind Me Of You.. Damn This Shuffle..
I Could have sworn That It Knows My Whole Life.. And Knows My Love For You..
So It Reminds Me With Every Song.. That Plays..
And As I Lay..
I'm Feeling Some Kind Of Way..
Times Freezes.. And I Just Want This Day..
To Be Over.. 1:30.. So Soon..
And My Thoughts Of You.. Fills The Entire Room..
So I Turn The Music Off..
And Now I'm So Lost..
And If That Wasn't Bad Enough..
I Can Still Feel Your Love..
And I Get The Feeling That You're Thinking Of Me Too..
2 AM..
I Text A Friend..
Nothing Too Serious.. Small Talk At The Most.. We Text..
They're Looking For Something Serious And I'm Looking For Something Along The Lines of Sex..
I'm Not Trying To Get Attached.. I Mean For What..
While They're Looking For Love.. And I'm Looking For Lust..
I Say Come Over.. I Don't Want To Be Alone..
And I Hang Up The Phone..
Looking For Something To Take My Mind Off You..
Knowing That I Can't Call You..
Or Send You A Text.. Just To Remind You..
Of Us..
So I Replace Our Love..
With Temporary Lust..
2:45 Couldn't Have Came Soon Enough..
And I'm Making Out..
Still Trying To Block These Thoughts Out..
Buy Me Some Time..
Until 3 Am Arrives..
And My Thoughts Of You Seem To Cease..
You Text Me.. Hi Baby.. Do You Miss Me..
I Reply Yes..
Laying Next..
To This Temporary Replacement Of You..
You Ask Again.. If I Miss You..
I Reply I Sure Do..
You're The Only Thing That's Been On My Mind..
And I'm Not Lying..
But In Reality.. I Am..
So Many People.. Came And Went.. Trying to Replace You.. And Now I'm Mad..
More or Less.. Upset with Myself.. Because You Were Truly the Best That I Never Had..
And If You Decided to Quit These Games and Come Back To Me Then I Would Separate Myself For The Real and Fake..
But Every time 3am rolls around.. It's Brings Me back to Reality and That Day That You Said You Needed a Break..
That Choosing to Be with Me.. Was Maybe a Mistake..
That's The Day That My World Stopped..
And Because of You.. I Will Always Remember Us.. Damn.. That 3 o'clock..

The Imperfect Life of A Perfect Stranger...

........ Soul Searching ........
Know That My Life Isn't Perfect..
I Question.. Alot of My Decisions..
Personal Talks With Myself.. Asking Myself.. What's Missing..
Life..
People..
Things..
Obstacles..
Finding a Balance..
For Loving Me.. And Trying To Be Loveless With My Actions..
Looking For Self-Satisfaction..
The Memories..
I Remember Them.. Like They Were Yesterday..
I Smile..
I Frown..
I Cry..
Know That I'm Trying..
Feel Like The Real Me.. Is Always Hiding..
The Pleasure..
The Passion..
The Pain..
I've Felt..
It All..
And I've Hung My Head High..
Even When I Just Want To Break Inside..
When Praying is Enough..
Sticks and Stones.. Will Never Hurt Me.. I've Forced My Self To Be Tough..
Your Words.. Are Just That.. Words..
Things.. That Comes Out Of Your Mouth.. I Hear You.. Yes I've Heard..
I'll Never Claim Not To Have Flaws..
And Yes.. I've Built These Walls..
To Separate The Lies From The Truth..
And Even If I'm Perfect To You..
Know That I'm Not Innocent..
Nor Am I Heaven Sent..
You Sense So Much Confidence In The Things That I Say..
But Know At Times.. I Am Afraid..
Depression..
Comes Before My Aggression..
Which Lead Me To Push You Away.. You May Not Understand..
So When You Say You'll Always be Here.. I Can Reach Out and Grab Your Hand..
It's So Hard.. To Depend On Anyone..
I'm So Used to Being Alone.. Just Being Me..
I'm My Worst Enemy..
Nobody Will Judge Me..
Criticize Me..
Worse Than The Person In The Mirror.. Looking Back At Me..
So With Every Compliment..
Of How I Look So Innocent..
Of How I'm So Pretty.. To Attractive..
Not To Be Getting Total Satisfaction..
From Whoever..
And Why Am I Single.. When I Could Be Together..
With Anyone..
And How Come..
More So Can.. I Keep It Real..
Totally Disregarding How Anyone Feels..
And For Those Who Oppose..
With My Lifestyle.. Fuck You.. Yes I'll Be That Asshole..
I'll Be The Person Who Speaks Their Mind..
Truthfully.. Than Be A Mute.. Not Inclined..
Treating Friends and Foes With The Same Privileges and Equal Opportunities..
And While Other People Are Constantly Changing.. I Will Always Remain The Same Me..
The Me That You Love.. Or Hate..
Regardless When You Look Me In My Face..
Look Into My Eyes..
You Will Respect Me.. Because You Know That Your Opinions.. Will Never Be My Demise..
And When Everyone Sees..
My Full Potential.. It's Still Not Clear To Me..
And Maybe That's Because I Still Have A Lot of Growing To Do..
A Lot More Trials and Tribulations.. To Go Through..
And Their Were Times When I Feel Like I Just Need to Give Up.. Quit While I'm Ahead..
When I Should Be Using My Faith.. I'm Using My Doubts Instead..
Times When I Feel Like My Flaws.. Will Never Let Me Truly Live..
And When It's Easier To Forget.. It's So Much More Harder To Forgive..
And Then I Want To Move On..
I Want These Feelings Of Defeat To Be Gone..
So Whatever Happens.. Today..
I May Cry.. But When I Wake Up Tomorrow.. I Think Of It As A Second Chance.. So I Wake Up Everyday..
Laying It All To Rest..
All of The Problems.. That Triggers The Stress..
Whatever Causes Me To Feel Like I'm Not Blessed..
It's My Own Insecurities..
That Causes Me To End Up In The Same Situation.. I Try To Change.. But I Always Find Myself Back At Square One.. Back To The Old Me..
I've Been Running All Of My Life.. Away From Things.. People.. And Places..
Never Had The Chance to Slow Down.. Or Stop.. I'm Always Running The Same Races..
And I Always End Up.. Dead Last..
It Started With Me.. Running Away From My Past..
And If You Know Me..
The Real Me..
You Know My Struggle.. My Journey..
I Hope That You Understand That I'm Not Perfect.. I Too Am Filled Will Anger..
I Guess It's Just The Imperfect Life of A Perfect Stranger..

To Whom It Concerns...

You Was Supposed To Be The One Who Was Different..
The One That I Envisioned..
Was A Gift From God.. And Think Finally My Prayers Were Answered..
Later To Feel More.. And Now I Just Can't Stand It..
Now As I Sit Back.. I Can't Even Imagine..
All Those Positive Thoughts.. Eliminated.. Gone..
Occupied By Negativity.. Just A Cloud Of Darkness.. Everything is So Wrong..
When I Just Wanted The Truth..
Not What or How You Felt.. But More Of Along The Lines Of What You Knew..
Silence..
So Blinded..
And I Was So Open Minded..
Now..
I'm So Closed.. I Wouldn't Be Able To Let You Back In.. Even If I Knew How..
Now I'm Mad Because You Are So Dirty.. And Not In The Sense Of Not Being Clean..
In The Sense Of Being So Foggy, Cloudy, Tainted.. Your Actions Will Never Defy What You Mean..
You Will Never Find Happiness..
You Will Never Get The Chance To See Love At It's Finest..
And When I Should Be Mad.. I'm Not..
And I'm Cool.. When I Should Be Furious.. Steaming.. Boiling Hot..
Indifference..
Yeah It Hurted..
But This Is Not The First Time.. Someone Turned Out To Be.. The Total Opposite..
So Why Even Be Bothered With It..
You Put My Life In Jeopardy..
Like This Was Some Type of Game.. Laying Next To Me..
Spending Time With Me..
Getting To Know Me..
While I Was Never Really Actually Getting to Know The Real You..
And As I Sit Back.. It Ended The Way I Dreamed It Would.. Well They Always Do..
I Would Never Wish Harm On Anyone.. But..
I Wish Karma.. Butt Fucks.. Makes You Those Same Promises You Made Me.. And Then Dream Rape You..
I Hope She Tells You.. Everything You Want To Hear..
Softly Kissing On Your Ear..
And Then Poisons You..
I Hope She's Just As Good As I Am In The Bed..
And When She Goes Down To Put Her Lips Around Your The Head..
The Poison Begins To Seep Through...
And As You It Flows Into Your Blood Stream..
Your Life Flashes Before Your Eyes..
The Pain.. The Hurt.. And All The Lies..
Become Weights.. And They Drag You Down Deeper..
Grasping For Air.. Choking Your Mistakes..
I Hope In Your Last.. Moment of Life.. You See My Face..
And You Die One Of The Most Painful Metaphoric Deaths..
I Hope In Those Last Moments That You Have Left..
You See The Error Of Your Ways..
But Realize That It's Much To Late..
I Know That Everything Happens.. For A Reason..
So I Will Stand Firm On My Beliefs.. And Keep On Believing..
And When Looks Can Be Oh So Deceiving..
And When The Mask Comes Off.. The True Monster Appears..
I Hope That I Can Be Able To Stand Up And Face My Fears..
Be Able To Let Go.. With No Emotional Attachment..
No More Words.. Just Actions..
Just Decisions..
That You Made Without Consulting Me.. So Now We Both Have To Live With Them..
I Hope That You Find Love..
And When You Get Close Enough To Touch It.. You Fall Flat On Your Face.. And Right At That Moment You Think Of...
Me..
And When You Think It's Over.. And There Isn't Much More You Can Take..
Karma Tells You That You Have An Incurable Case of Heartache.. Triggered By Your Heart Being Broken..
I Hope that Tears Stream Down Your Face before Karma's Last Word is Spoken..
I Pray That You Learn To Live With It.. And Not Be So Bothered With It..
And When you Feel Like You've Conquered It..
Depression Sits In..
Slowly Losing Sanity.. Every Time You Close Your Eyes.. And Think..
And With Every Blink..
You're Closer and Closer To The Edge.. Closer To The Brink..
And Then You Realize..
That These Lessons.. Are Just Merely Test..
That You Failed To Study For.. So In Return You Fail Miserably..
And Your Curiosity..
Only Made The Test That Much Harder To Understand..
Harder To Comphrend..
Only To Realize.. That Their Will Be Other Test..
Some Easier Others Harder Than The Rest..
And Then You Begin To Settle.. Content With Your Decision..
Just Feeling Okay With The Life You're Living..
I Hope This Letter Reaches You..
And Therefore Teaches You..
And If You Don't Get Anything From This Letter..
To Whom It May Concern.. Please Know That I Can Do Better..