Peace

I thought that I had found peace in you..
A future that I was looking forward too..
You had me convinced that everytime we made love..
It was about bettering us..
The way that you looked into my eyes..
I was yours everytime..
You had me thinking that we were building a foundation..
This white house with the white fence was a temptation..
A verbal agreement to lose myself..
And with every kiss.
I lost a part of myself..
The part of me that wanted marriage..
You gave me a plan..
Told me what I needed to be..
But stated you love me for me..
I almost lost my voice..
A part of me.. That I needed the most..
You sold me a dream..
Of how you were changed..
And how nothing will be the same..
If we stayed on the same page..
We would be okay..
You forgot about telling me the fineprint..
I have to listen..
Be submissive..
Like you're the priviledge..
Like you're the mission..
And I almost bought that shit..
Thinking that this love was different..
That the way you hugged me..
The way you showed me that you loved me..
Would replace the way you treat me..
The way you said you needed me..
The way you silenced me..
Failed to acknowledge me..
Failed to see the partner in me..
You wanted authority..
You wanted someone who stuck with the plan..
The ultimate man..
And with every kiss..
And with every list..
With everytime you brought things..
Treated me like I was delicancy..
The way you devoured me..
Everytime I came.. You took the power from me..
You kissed me ever so sweet..
Grabbed me closer.. Make it so hard for me to retreat..
Painted this beauitful pictue infront of me..
That it became all that I could see..
Thinking this is a fair trade..
And when the colors began to fade..
You promised me that everything will be okay..
You brought more color into my life.. For me to paint..
While I'm not noticing that it's the life that you engraved..
The life that you paved..
You provided peace with stipulations..
And with each time there was penetration..
You came..
I envisioned me having your last name..
You saw..
I envisioned you being my all..
You conquered..
I envisioned having your son or daugther..
You took my peace and gave me your version.. And somehow.. I almost myself with every smile..
The times that I cried..
And you told me everything would be aright..
Every time..
You stayed on my mind..
And peace was fleeting..
I say you as my happy ending.. That's what I'm seeing..
But I'm realizing peace is what I'm really needing..
So I have to leaving..
I'm grieving..
The peace you gave to me..
But losing the peace within myself is not what I need..
Peace..

Ego Talking

Dear You,

I wanted to start out by telling you that I love you..
And this is a guide too..
Understanding my ego..
It's fragile..
It dicates how I handle you..
I speaks for me.. It clouds my judgement..
And this is not an atonement..
I think this is for your on discernment..
This is me.. Trying to own it..
My ego.. Will remain consist..
It makes me texting OK. instead of expressing my disinterest..
My ego.. Never listens..
It makes me double down instead of apologizing for my intentions..
And when I've calm down and it's time to revisit..
Everything feels different..
You're open to hear me but your heart never listens..
Our egos clash..
And you emotionally crash..
When I'm seating in the vehicle next to you..
But you can't see me telling you to slow down.. Putting on your seatbelt first becasue when you look around..
You don't see the stop signs..
You're convinced in your mind..
That my ego is the reason we're here..
Not realizing your ego shows up through fear..
But your ego.. Doesn't allow every situation to be different..
You're cautious with every message.. And in an instance..
You shut down.. To leave me with my feelings..
No type of place for safe healing..
I wish that we had a safe space..
I wish that you could see peace when you see my face..
But your ego.. Sees me as a threat..
So you have to protect..
You..
So you do what you do..
While.. I'm left with my ego and sadness..
I think your ego.. Can't manage..
Being vulnerable..
Being reliable..
Staying consistent..
Seeing the potential.. Thinking this will be diffent..
And my ego wants to show you that I'm not going anywhere..
I think your ego geninuely doesn't care..
So it makes me jump out the window.. For..
Simple issues..
Even in arguments, know that my ego will pick fights..
Just to say that it was right..
My ego doesn't understand love is about compromise..
In my mind.. I'm the prize..
Even when I look in your eyes..
I see the hurt.. But my ego doesn't recognize..
The pain that I put you through..
Not saying.. I love you..
I see your ego not believing me if I ever uttered it..
You don't see love as a benefit..
Your ego believes that you don't deserve it..
My ego wants to give it to you but your ego wants to make me earn it..
Why can't our egos find some common ground for once..
Because it's up to us..
To make this work.. To make this last..
Your ego is afraid of the past..
And my ego is afriad of the future..
So we can't stay present.. To save us..
And what I crave is us..
So we become each other's triggers.. Sigh..
I hope that one day.. We can come together.. And grow to be better..
And learn how to silence out egos..
Until then.. We will never know..

Me

I never write poems about me..
Poetry..
I don't like to think about it..
Who does it honestly benefit..
Me..
How I'm precieved..
How I'm recieved..
What does writing about me.. achieve..
It doesn't help me with what I see..
I see someone damaged beyond repair..
I see someone who acts like they don't care..
Me..
I see missed opportunities..
Of love.. Life.. Happy ever after..
Does it really matter..
I see Me..
Sometimes I settle.. for me..
I hate being lonely..
It's not that I hate Me..
I love me..
But Maybe..
I don't agree..
With me..
With what I see..
What could be..
It's so easier to hear to a song and write..
It's so easy to listen..
It's so easier to be different..
From other's perspective.. Someone else's life..
That's the only thing that seems right..
When I see me..
I see the possibilities..
The potential.. The lost soul..
The soul that has yet to find peace..
I see the Me.. That's pretending to be..
Happy..
While.. Anxiety gets the best of me..
Fear of Heatlh, hurt and trauma..
I miss my momma..
I miss how life used to be..
I miss the old me..
The me that was so sure.. Of her place..
This me just occupies space..
I see the tears fall down my face.. I see me.. clearly..
So clear..
That I'm sure..I'm still here..
I don't know me at all..
And when the tears fall..
Every tear represents change.. I may need it..
I honestly don't know how to achieve it..
Change that I'm afaid to make..
What will it take..
Me is screaming fight...
So I'll keep trying with all my might..
I don't trust me to be me..
Fully..
I know that I'm holding back.. Why..
I couldn't tell you the answers.. So I cry..
Cry for Me..
The person I see..
The reflection that looks at me..
The failure to gain clarity..
When looking in my eyes..
I'm just talking.. Now..
But somehow..
I'm speaking for me..
I just want to be free..

In Your Arms

Nothing could ever prepare me for this..
I've never expected it to be this intense..
Every expected I would feel it on this magitude..
And if you're the person that I chose..
How can you make these feelings last..
I've had these feelings in the past..
This is nothing new..
But if these feelings are true..
I question if you feel then too..
When I'm in your arms..
The feelings are getting stronger..
And I try to find ways to make this feelings last longer..
Am I safe with you..
Why do I crave you..
Why are you perfect for me..
Why is it your energy..
That I need..
Why am I content with your hugs..
Is this really love..
Is that why the feelings are so strong..
You feel like a drug..
Your love..
I just a little to get me through the day..
I hang on to every word you say..
Nothing has ever prepared me for these feelings..
And it has become my mission..
To never lose these feelings..
Baby I need you listen..
Do you need me.. Like I need you..
I need to see you..
I have to be with you..
Feel you.. Be in your arms..
What is going on?
I'm in a different space..
I don't have any time to waste..
When I'm in your arms..
Think what can possibly go wrong..
If I just stay in your arms..
When you hold me..
Peace..
Complete silence..
I seek solce..
In your arms.. your hands..
Touching me.. Understand this..
Whatever your plans it..
Just let it be in your..
Presence..
In your existence..
In an instance..
I think back to your embrace..
My face..
On your chest..
And with the world being at civil unrest..
With all the chaos and violence..
And if we're being honest..
Will you listen..
Will you pay attention..
To my heart beating for you..
The world is so cruel..
Will I be safe in your arms.. with you..

25 Reasons

You ask me how do I know if I love you..
And since because I do..
Doesn't work and you insist..
I sat down and made a list..
25 reasons why I love and it goes as such..
25.. I love your touch..
24.. I love the way you look at me..
23.. I love your energy..
You're my peace..
I can trust you..
22.. I love how you handle me..
21.. You showed me how to cope with my anxiety..
20.. You allow me to be the best version of myself..
You care about my mental health..
You don't judge me..
You just love me..
19.. You love me and my imperfections..
I love our connection..
18.. When I'm around you.. I have your full attention..
And when I feel lost and in need of direction..
17.. You feel like home..
And I miss you when you're gone..
You make it so easy to love you..
And with the stuff that other people put me through..
16.. I never have to doubt your intentions..
Falling in love with you was the best decision..
15.. When I think of us.. I envision..
A family.. Being a wife and having your children..
14.. You are my peace..
The way that you say you need me..
13.. You make my heart complete..
I can wake up everyday to that face..
12.. You gave me grace..
Knowing that I've been hurt previously..
11.. I love your consistency..
I never have to wonder with you..
10.. And when we make love.. Sigh..
When you ask me.. If you're mine..
And if I ever cry..
You're there to wipe my eyes..
9.. You treat me like a queen..
I often think about marriage and if you ever gave me ring..
And if you ever got down on knee..
Yes, will always be the answer that you seek..
You won't have to question it..
8.. I love the way you smile at me..
The way you hug me..
7.. The way you put on a pedestal..
The way you smell when I'm laying next to you..
6.. The way you listen whole-heartedly when I speak..
5.. The way you provide for me..
The honesty in your speech..
4.. The way you hold me..
The way you kiss me..
When our lips meet..
3.. The way that I still get butterflies..
When I look in your eyes..
2.. You're still here when times get tough..
And if these weren't enough..
then 1.. Honestly.. has to be..
The way that you love me..

Nothing to Me

I despise you..
Because I geninuely tried with you..
I did everything that a woman could do..
To show you..
I was different..
It was useless.. Because only you benefitted..
You had all the power..
You chose to be the coward..
Who ran from responsbilities..
Claimed that you needed me..
But yet the way you treated me..
Like I was never good enough..
Replaced my trust..
So I don't give a fuck..
Brought me to the lowest point in my life...
The strife..
And then you condemned me for staying..
Saying.. That it's no point in waiting..
Wasting my time debating..
That you will eventually be the man that I need..
Forced me to concede..
Tried to make me the bad guy..
In everyone who would listen's eyes..
Put up this front.. That we were good..
Saying dumb shit like "Whats known between us doesn't have to be understood."
Giving very much condescending..
Threw stones when you dwelled in this glass house..
Sold me dreams that you were the perfect spouse..
And everytime that you opened your mouth..
Lies fell out..
You tip toed around the truth..
When I got used to..
Honesty..
The promies.. of Loyalty..
I fell for every lie..
You painted me..
As this grateful partner.. Selfishly..
Forgetting the time and months you stole from me..
Behind closed doors you were a monster..
A serial killer of my spirit.. A regular Domner..
I used to often think about the house we created..
Made me belive that love meant toxic and it was all somehow related..
But I found out later that this was always your image..
Your gimmik...
That you sold..
Spun a web of gold..
Tricked me to appreciate this bullshit because to you, our love was your greatest treasure..
And conditioned me to believe that I would never find better..
And I brought it.. Hook.. Line.. And Sinker.. Facts..
You took me to such a negative space...
Spat in my face..
Made it your priority to make me miserable..
So for that I am forever grateful..
You exposed to me to the fake shit..
Forced me to accept the snake shit..
Now when I look at you..
I seen nothing but a waste..
Just a place holder.. in the wrong place..
I gave you too much authority..
I made you a priority..
But never again..
No, I don't need a friend..
I don't need closure.. I just need this to end..
It took so long for me to finally open my eyes and see..
That you finally mean nothing to me..