My Reality..

... This is Something.. So Personal..
And I Know That.. Writing About Me.. is So Unusual..
I Hate To Cry..
I Hate Memories.. I Hate to Memorize..
I Hate Songs..Sad Songs..
That Constantly Reminds Me.. That Love is Gone..
Love Songs.. That Shows Me.. That Something in My Life is Missing.. Or is Wrong..
And Yes I've Dealt With It All..
I've Been The Cheater.. The Cheated.. And The Girl.. That You Would Call..
Because I Didn't Want Love.. I Just Wanted Lust.. Because Lust Seemed More Sustainable..
Love Seemed So Overrated.. And Unreachable.. More Or Less.. Unattainable..
And I Didn't Want to Fall Flat on My Face..
Because of Something that I Did to Someone Else In The Past.. I Didn't Want to Be Caught.. But I Loved The Chase..
Told Myself That I Was Happy.. Because Mentally.. I Was.. Or Close To That Place..
But Emotionally.. I Was Scarred..
Physically I Was Scared..
Spiritually.. I Was Broken..
But Mentally.. I Was Hoping..
Happiness.. Stayed..
The Games That I Played..
I Convinced Them All.. That They Needed Me.. The People I Trapped..
Forced Them To Depend On Me.. And Gave Them A Temporary Sense of Security.. Like My Love Would Never Be Matched..
No One in This World.. Would Ever Come Close To What We Have..
Say It With Me.. I'm Better Than Your Past..
Nothing Like Your Present.. So Far Gone..
Say It With Me.. Your Future Without Me.. Is Like Another Sad Song..
That You Listened Too..
And The Words.. The Situations.. Seem So Real.. So Similiar.. That All You Can Do Is Cry..
You Close Your Eyes...
Invision Them.. You Invision Me..
Replaying.. The Good Times.. Over and Over Again.. The Sparks Flying.. Our Chemistry..
I've Done It All..
I've Been The Lonely Romantic Waiting By The Phone.. Just Wanting For You To Make The First Move.. To Be The First to Call..
And It Never Happened..
Love Someone Never Lasted..
With Me..
Never..
Sure..
I Get The 3 Month Grace Period.. Where Everything You Do.. is Just Wonderful.. Exceeding My Expectations..
My Love Comes Down.. We Feel One Another.. Through Feelings or Penetration..
Then You Get So Comfortable.. You No Longer See Me As A Good Enough Motivation..
To Want To Do Me Right.. Treat Me Like The Upmost Respect.. So You Show Me.. With A Loud Demonstration..
Yelling.. Arguing.. Fighting..
You Storm Out.. Leave Me.. With My Thoughts.. Wondering If I'm Wrong or If I'm Right.. And..
Not to Mention..
You Show No Attention..
Or Concern To My Needs..
Or What I Need..
So I Try To Tell Myself That It's Something That Everyone Goes Through..
You May Not Know What You Have.. But If You Knew..
And Maybe The Next One Will..
But Yet In Still..
Whenever I'm Faced With The Cards.. That Love Hands Me.. I Always Fold.. Never Deal..
Been Around So Much Fake Shit.. That I Can't Tell If It's Real..
I Always Hope That The Next One.. Will Show and Prove..
But They All Start Off Good.. And When They Feel Like They Have You.. It's Checkmate.. No Longer Your Move..
And A World Filled With Heartless People.. A Loveless Soul.. Has Nothing To Lose..
Different Name.. Face.. Place..
Sharing The Same Space..
As The Last One..
But When That Time Comes..
For Love To Pick Me..
When My Time Comes For Love.. I Want Love To See..
I'll Paint My Answer On The Walls of My Heart.. A Picture So Vivid...
To Love.. I'll Say.. Yes.. This is My Life.. And I've Lived It..
But I Have To Say Fuck Love.. Hell Fuck No.. Love Can't Stand Me..
And I To It.. I Have No Strong Foundation For Love To Grow Or Benefit..
And That is The Exact Reason Why I Have This Fuck Love Mentality..
I Guess.. It's Just My Harsh Reality..

Dedicated To My Ex..

... Infinity Fuck You...
I Had to Get That Out of The Way.. And If I Knew...
That This Story I Had To Tell..
Or That Days and Weeks of Me Trying to Include You in Every Train of Thought Would Only Take a Mere Matter of Minutes for That Train to Derail..
And Every Single Thought on That Train Would Never Make It Back to It's Destination..
Trying So Hard to Focus on Us.. But You Always Break My Concentration..
My Thought Process..
Because of You.. Our Love Will Be Laid To Rest..
And In One Instant.. I Could Never Get Back..
Or Would I Even Want Back.. The Memories..
The Feelings..
Our Beginning..
Us Sharing..
Disclosed..
Secrets.. From The Heart and Soul..
Only to Fear That.. My Secrets Will No Longer Be That..
Somehow They Would End Up On Twitter or Facebook.. In A Trending Topic or Notes.. Saying Revenge.. The Big Pay Back..
Or You Comparing Me To The Next Girl..
Or The Ex Girl.. That You Seem To Deem All Bad Because Previous Experiences Made You Hate Everything That Ever Set Foot In Your World..
Or Seemed To Cross Your Path..
No..
You Hate Me.. Well I Hope So..
I Hope That You Hate Me Enough That It Blind Sides You..
You Single Out Everyone And Begin To Think That Everyone is Alike.. And The Hate Turns into Hatred.. And You Start to Hate Yourself Too..
So Much..
That You Start To Question.. Love..
Confuse Love with Like.. Like with Lust..
And You Start to Question The Circles in Your Square.. Betraying Your Own Friends.. Forgetting Who To Trust..
Yes..
Convince Me..
Trick Yourself into Thinking That You're A Good Of A Person.. Like You Tricked Me..
I Was A Fool For Love..
Thinking Back To Every Kiss and Hug..
You Played The Part..
Acted Like You Felt The Same.. And I Had Your Heart..
Found A Loop Hole.. In This Thing Called Love.. Thought You Were So Smart..
Everything That You Did Had A Reason.. I Lied Because I Loved You..
I Looked Else Were For Affection.. Because I Needed You..
I Cheated Because I Couldn't See Myself.. Mistreating You..
Any Chance I Got To Creep Around.. I Took It..
And Any Chance I Got To Forgive You.. So Everything You Did.. I Over Looked It..
I Thought That Maybe.. If I Didn't Think About It.. And Close My Eyes..
And Open Them Back Up.. That It Would Disappear.. Would Vanish Out Of Mind..
Fuck You..
Yes.. I Have To Repeat Myself..
FUCK YOU..
And As Quiet As It's Kept..
Saying Fuck You.. Will Never Be Enough..
Fuck Love..
Fuck Whatever or Whoever is Next..
I Gave My All To You.. You Had Me As My Best..
So Again..
Fuck You.. And Let's Not Try To Pretend..
That We Will Be Friends..
I Hated That I Loved You..
And Had Love For You..
So I Dedicate This..
Middle Fingers To You.. My Ex..

3AM...

I Know That I Should Be Sleep..
But The Lover in Me Won't Cease..
So Mentally I Cheat..
I'm Laying Next to Them.. Thinking Of You.. Thoughts Of You And I On The Low.. So My Mind Creeps..
And I Crawl Back To You..
Physically I Can't See Myself With You..
So These Thoughts Cross Boundaries..
These Thoughts Of You.. I Wish Was Momentarily..
I Wish I Could Get Clarity..
12 AM.. And You Are Running Thought My Mind..
I'm Trying To Catch Up To Them.. But I'm So Far Behind..
12:15 I Drift Off.. Well Attempt Too..
But These Thoughts Of You..
Turns 12:15 Into 12:30..
And I Can See You And I Flirting..
You Showing Me..
And I Can't Sleep.. What is The Time..
Damn 12:45..
Still Up..
Thinking About Your Love..
And So I Turn On Some Music To Try To Relax..
More Thoughts Of You.. Sends The Memories All Back..
And I Relapse..
Still Trying To Track..
Whatever Triggered These Situations..
And It All Comes Back.. Times.. Dates.. And Locations..
I Smile..
Because I Can Remember The First Time That I Knew In My Heart That You Were Mine..
Then I Frown..
Remembering The First Time.. I Had To Cope With You Not Being Around..
And I Want To Cry..
But I've Shed So Many Tears Over You.. That No Tear Could Ever Fall From My Eyes..
I Promised Myself That No Tear Will Ever Roll Down My Face..
So I Wait..
1 Rolls Around.. And I Try To Deprogram The Memories..
Trying To Program My Mind To Think Of You As An Enemy..
And Now Songs play That Remind Me Of You.. Damn This Shuffle..
I Could have sworn That It Knows My Whole Life.. And Knows My Love For You..
So It Reminds Me With Every Song.. That Plays..
And As I Lay..
I'm Feeling Some Kind Of Way..
Times Freezes.. And I Just Want This Day..
To Be Over.. 1:30.. So Soon..
And My Thoughts Of You.. Fills The Entire Room..
So I Turn The Music Off..
And Now I'm So Lost..
And If That Wasn't Bad Enough..
I Can Still Feel Your Love..
And I Get The Feeling That You're Thinking Of Me Too..
2 AM..
I Text A Friend..
Nothing Too Serious.. Small Talk At The Most.. We Text..
They're Looking For Something Serious And I'm Looking For Something Along The Lines of Sex..
I'm Not Trying To Get Attached.. I Mean For What..
While They're Looking For Love.. And I'm Looking For Lust..
I Say Come Over.. I Don't Want To Be Alone..
And I Hang Up The Phone..
Looking For Something To Take My Mind Off You..
Knowing That I Can't Call You..
Or Send You A Text.. Just To Remind You..
Of Us..
So I Replace Our Love..
With Temporary Lust..
2:45 Couldn't Have Came Soon Enough..
And I'm Making Out..
Still Trying To Block These Thoughts Out..
Buy Me Some Time..
Until 3 Am Arrives..
And My Thoughts Of You Seem To Cease..
You Text Me.. Hi Baby.. Do You Miss Me..
I Reply Yes..
Laying Next..
To This Temporary Replacement Of You..
You Ask Again.. If I Miss You..
I Reply I Sure Do..
You're The Only Thing That's Been On My Mind..
And I'm Not Lying..
But In Reality.. I Am..
So Many People.. Came And Went.. Trying to Replace You.. And Now I'm Mad..
More or Less.. Upset with Myself.. Because You Were Truly the Best That I Never Had..
And If You Decided to Quit These Games and Come Back To Me Then I Would Separate Myself For The Real and Fake..
But Every time 3am rolls around.. It's Brings Me back to Reality and That Day That You Said You Needed a Break..
That Choosing to Be with Me.. Was Maybe a Mistake..
That's The Day That My World Stopped..
And Because of You.. I Will Always Remember Us.. Damn.. That 3 o'clock..

The Imperfect Life of A Perfect Stranger...

........ Soul Searching ........
Know That My Life Isn't Perfect..
I Question.. Alot of My Decisions..
Personal Talks With Myself.. Asking Myself.. What's Missing..
Life..
People..
Things..
Obstacles..
Finding a Balance..
For Loving Me.. And Trying To Be Loveless With My Actions..
Looking For Self-Satisfaction..
The Memories..
I Remember Them.. Like They Were Yesterday..
I Smile..
I Frown..
I Cry..
Know That I'm Trying..
Feel Like The Real Me.. Is Always Hiding..
The Pleasure..
The Passion..
The Pain..
I've Felt..
It All..
And I've Hung My Head High..
Even When I Just Want To Break Inside..
When Praying is Enough..
Sticks and Stones.. Will Never Hurt Me.. I've Forced My Self To Be Tough..
Your Words.. Are Just That.. Words..
Things.. That Comes Out Of Your Mouth.. I Hear You.. Yes I've Heard..
I'll Never Claim Not To Have Flaws..
And Yes.. I've Built These Walls..
To Separate The Lies From The Truth..
And Even If I'm Perfect To You..
Know That I'm Not Innocent..
Nor Am I Heaven Sent..
You Sense So Much Confidence In The Things That I Say..
But Know At Times.. I Am Afraid..
Depression..
Comes Before My Aggression..
Which Lead Me To Push You Away.. You May Not Understand..
So When You Say You'll Always be Here.. I Can Reach Out and Grab Your Hand..
It's So Hard.. To Depend On Anyone..
I'm So Used to Being Alone.. Just Being Me..
I'm My Worst Enemy..
Nobody Will Judge Me..
Criticize Me..
Worse Than The Person In The Mirror.. Looking Back At Me..
So With Every Compliment..
Of How I Look So Innocent..
Of How I'm So Pretty.. To Attractive..
Not To Be Getting Total Satisfaction..
From Whoever..
And Why Am I Single.. When I Could Be Together..
With Anyone..
And How Come..
More So Can.. I Keep It Real..
Totally Disregarding How Anyone Feels..
And For Those Who Oppose..
With My Lifestyle.. Fuck You.. Yes I'll Be That Asshole..
I'll Be The Person Who Speaks Their Mind..
Truthfully.. Than Be A Mute.. Not Inclined..
Treating Friends and Foes With The Same Privileges and Equal Opportunities..
And While Other People Are Constantly Changing.. I Will Always Remain The Same Me..
The Me That You Love.. Or Hate..
Regardless When You Look Me In My Face..
Look Into My Eyes..
You Will Respect Me.. Because You Know That Your Opinions.. Will Never Be My Demise..
And When Everyone Sees..
My Full Potential.. It's Still Not Clear To Me..
And Maybe That's Because I Still Have A Lot of Growing To Do..
A Lot More Trials and Tribulations.. To Go Through..
And Their Were Times When I Feel Like I Just Need to Give Up.. Quit While I'm Ahead..
When I Should Be Using My Faith.. I'm Using My Doubts Instead..
Times When I Feel Like My Flaws.. Will Never Let Me Truly Live..
And When It's Easier To Forget.. It's So Much More Harder To Forgive..
And Then I Want To Move On..
I Want These Feelings Of Defeat To Be Gone..
So Whatever Happens.. Today..
I May Cry.. But When I Wake Up Tomorrow.. I Think Of It As A Second Chance.. So I Wake Up Everyday..
Laying It All To Rest..
All of The Problems.. That Triggers The Stress..
Whatever Causes Me To Feel Like I'm Not Blessed..
It's My Own Insecurities..
That Causes Me To End Up In The Same Situation.. I Try To Change.. But I Always Find Myself Back At Square One.. Back To The Old Me..
I've Been Running All Of My Life.. Away From Things.. People.. And Places..
Never Had The Chance to Slow Down.. Or Stop.. I'm Always Running The Same Races..
And I Always End Up.. Dead Last..
It Started With Me.. Running Away From My Past..
And If You Know Me..
The Real Me..
You Know My Struggle.. My Journey..
I Hope That You Understand That I'm Not Perfect.. I Too Am Filled Will Anger..
I Guess It's Just The Imperfect Life of A Perfect Stranger..

To Whom It Concerns...

You Was Supposed To Be The One Who Was Different..
The One That I Envisioned..
Was A Gift From God.. And Think Finally My Prayers Were Answered..
Later To Feel More.. And Now I Just Can't Stand It..
Now As I Sit Back.. I Can't Even Imagine..
All Those Positive Thoughts.. Eliminated.. Gone..
Occupied By Negativity.. Just A Cloud Of Darkness.. Everything is So Wrong..
When I Just Wanted The Truth..
Not What or How You Felt.. But More Of Along The Lines Of What You Knew..
Silence..
So Blinded..
And I Was So Open Minded..
Now..
I'm So Closed.. I Wouldn't Be Able To Let You Back In.. Even If I Knew How..
Now I'm Mad Because You Are So Dirty.. And Not In The Sense Of Not Being Clean..
In The Sense Of Being So Foggy, Cloudy, Tainted.. Your Actions Will Never Defy What You Mean..
You Will Never Find Happiness..
You Will Never Get The Chance To See Love At It's Finest..
And When I Should Be Mad.. I'm Not..
And I'm Cool.. When I Should Be Furious.. Steaming.. Boiling Hot..
Indifference..
Yeah It Hurted..
But This Is Not The First Time.. Someone Turned Out To Be.. The Total Opposite..
So Why Even Be Bothered With It..
You Put My Life In Jeopardy..
Like This Was Some Type of Game.. Laying Next To Me..
Spending Time With Me..
Getting To Know Me..
While I Was Never Really Actually Getting to Know The Real You..
And As I Sit Back.. It Ended The Way I Dreamed It Would.. Well They Always Do..
I Would Never Wish Harm On Anyone.. But..
I Wish Karma.. Butt Fucks.. Makes You Those Same Promises You Made Me.. And Then Dream Rape You..
I Hope She Tells You.. Everything You Want To Hear..
Softly Kissing On Your Ear..
And Then Poisons You..
I Hope She's Just As Good As I Am In The Bed..
And When She Goes Down To Put Her Lips Around Your The Head..
The Poison Begins To Seep Through...
And As You It Flows Into Your Blood Stream..
Your Life Flashes Before Your Eyes..
The Pain.. The Hurt.. And All The Lies..
Become Weights.. And They Drag You Down Deeper..
Grasping For Air.. Choking Your Mistakes..
I Hope In Your Last.. Moment of Life.. You See My Face..
And You Die One Of The Most Painful Metaphoric Deaths..
I Hope In Those Last Moments That You Have Left..
You See The Error Of Your Ways..
But Realize That It's Much To Late..
I Know That Everything Happens.. For A Reason..
So I Will Stand Firm On My Beliefs.. And Keep On Believing..
And When Looks Can Be Oh So Deceiving..
And When The Mask Comes Off.. The True Monster Appears..
I Hope That I Can Be Able To Stand Up And Face My Fears..
Be Able To Let Go.. With No Emotional Attachment..
No More Words.. Just Actions..
Just Decisions..
That You Made Without Consulting Me.. So Now We Both Have To Live With Them..
I Hope That You Find Love..
And When You Get Close Enough To Touch It.. You Fall Flat On Your Face.. And Right At That Moment You Think Of...
Me..
And When You Think It's Over.. And There Isn't Much More You Can Take..
Karma Tells You That You Have An Incurable Case of Heartache.. Triggered By Your Heart Being Broken..
I Hope that Tears Stream Down Your Face before Karma's Last Word is Spoken..
I Pray That You Learn To Live With It.. And Not Be So Bothered With It..
And When you Feel Like You've Conquered It..
Depression Sits In..
Slowly Losing Sanity.. Every Time You Close Your Eyes.. And Think..
And With Every Blink..
You're Closer and Closer To The Edge.. Closer To The Brink..
And Then You Realize..
That These Lessons.. Are Just Merely Test..
That You Failed To Study For.. So In Return You Fail Miserably..
And Your Curiosity..
Only Made The Test That Much Harder To Understand..
Harder To Comphrend..
Only To Realize.. That Their Will Be Other Test..
Some Easier Others Harder Than The Rest..
And Then You Begin To Settle.. Content With Your Decision..
Just Feeling Okay With The Life You're Living..
I Hope This Letter Reaches You..
And Therefore Teaches You..
And If You Don't Get Anything From This Letter..
To Whom It May Concern.. Please Know That I Can Do Better..

New Beginnings...

As I Lay Next To You..
Wondering If You Feel The Same Way I Do..
I Can't Help But Question My Decisions...
You And I Was Never Something That I Invisioned..
I'm So Skeptic..
Trying To Hide My Fears.. Wondering If You Can Detect It..
When You Kiss Me..
When You Say That You Miss Me..
Are You Serious..
When You Say You Only Have Eyes For Me.. One Wonders If Your Eyes Are Still Curious..
I'm My Best Critic..
I Know That I Shouldn't Be Thinking Of Ways To Walk Away Before We Get Too Serious..
Shouldn't Be Over-Analyzing Us.. Trying Not To See The Big Picture.. I Shouldn't Focus On The What If's Of Our Plans..
But I Am..
And When You Hold My Hand..
A Part Of Me Wants To Let It Go..
And Scream No..
I Can't Be Hurt Again..
I Can Not Be Just Friends..
When I'm Too Far In..
When I Fall.. When I Open That Door..
Will You Catch Me.. Be Waiting.. Wanting More..
So I Lay With You..
In A Bed Of Doubt.. Pillows Of Insecurities..
And As I Watch You Sleep So Comfortably..
Like You're Used To All Of These Feelings..
I Toss And Turn.. Unable To See.. My Soul Won't Let Me Sleep Willingly..
Just Staring At The Ceiling.. Pitch Dark.. But The Lights Are On In My Head.. Not Knowing What To Do..
So I Watch You..
Sleep..
Dream..
When I Close My Eyes..
Asking Myself Why..
I Can't Let Go Of The Past..
And Why It's Been Hindering Me.. From Making Everything In The Future Last..
I Don't Want To Get Too Attached..
And Have To Trade It All Back..
For Heartache..
Letting My Past Mistakes..
Get The Best of Me..
And As You Sleep..
Apart Of Me.. Wants To Get Up And Run..
Begging That The Sun..
Raises..
And When You Open Your Eyes.. It's..
Time To Say Goodbye..
Go Back To What I'm Used Too..
Pure Solitude..
Being Along With My Thoughts..
I Wish That I Could Draw..
You A Map To My Heart..
And Even When I Feel Like Our Feelings Are The Same.. Our Intentions Are Miles Apart..
It Seems Like Nothing Else Really Matters.. When We're Together..
Kinda Scary.. Liking These Feelings.. Wondering If They Could Last Forever..
Some How.. The Doubts Sinks In..
Frustration..
It's Like I Feel You Inside Of Me Without Any Penetration..
Without Any Authorization..
You Use Me..
And At The Same Time.. Confuse Me..
Not Knowing How Far This Will Go..
So Quick To Judge You.. Without Even Getting To Know..
You..
Knowing That This is Not Something That I'm Used Too..
And I'm To Blame..
My Faults.. My Fears.. Convicts You.. So Even If You're Different.. To Me.. You All Are The Same..
You Introduce Yourself..
Seducing Me Through Sex..
And Then It's On To The Next..
So Before We Go Any Further.. I Have To Put My Emotions In Check..
I Know That You Say That You're Different..
So When You Talk About Us.. I Try To Listen..
You Ask For My Opinion..
My Honesty.. More Like My Vulnerablity is Always Mentioned..
*Silence*
And I Feel Like I'm In The Wrong For Being Honest..
You Say..
That You Love The Way..
Nothing Too Specific Thing.. Just You Love It..
And You Make A Promise..
To Give Me As Much Of Yourself As I Give To You..
And As Long As We Share And Have An Understanding That This is An Equal Thing.. I Have Nothing To Worry About.. I'll Belong To You..
And You To Me..
And The Rest is History..
Again.. Worry Sinks In..
Worrying About.. The Time That I Will Put In..
Is Time That I Will Never Get Back..
Investing In Us.. When In Fact..
I Panic..
I Don't Think That I Can Handle It..
I'm So Scared..
So I'll Say I Don't Care..
When In Reality.. I Really Do..
Say That I Know What I Want.. When In Reality.. I Have No Clue..
So Please Forgive Me..
Because I Do Not Know What I Do.. As You Can See..
I Guess I Can't Focus On The Risk..
If I'm Not Even Willing To Experience The Trip..
So I'll Just Lay Down..
And When The Sun Does Come Around..
It's Happiness And Forgiveness For The Past.. I Hope That's What It's Bringing..
So I'll Just Kiss You And Try To Get Some Sleep.. As You Hold Me.. Knowing We Have Us... A New Beginning..

The Dilemma...

It's So Simple.. But The Answer is Never The Answer That We Want..
They Say Listen To Your Heart..
Listen To Your Mind But Mostly Listen To The Way Your Heart Beats..
Find The Common Ground To Where The Two Meet..
But How Can You Listen To Something That Is Broken..
And My Thoughts Were Stolen..
My Mind is Vacant..
Which Was Once A Place Full Of Memories and Beautiful Pictures of Our Love Faces..
Is Now A Dark Empty Room.. Full Of Empty Spaces..
And For A Minute I Thought That Would Be My Future..
Until She Showed Up.. Those Things That I Was Used Too..
With Her.. Now This Other One.. She..
Has A Presence.. She Likes Me..
But I Can't Stop Thinking About Her..
And The Way That We Were..
But She is So Different..
I Mean They Both Listen..
They Both Pay Attention..
They Both Have A Habit Of Making Me Question My Exist..
But It's Something About Her That Pushes Me To My Limits..
I Mean I Love Her.. But I Also Think That I Like She..
So I Question She's Intentions..
By Paying She A Couple Of Visits..
Give She A Couple Of Minutes..
But I Don't Want To Get Caught Up In It..
When Me And Her Hasn't Truly Ended..
I Mean We've Said Our Good-Byes..
But I'll Be A Lie..
If I Said.. That I Truly Didn't Miss It..
Me And Her..
And What Makes It Worst..
She Is In The Picture.
And As Perfect As The Picture Maybe.. I Still Think Of Her..
I Mean I Can't Blame Myself For Leaving Her.. I Had To Push Myself Away..
To Understand The Present Tense Of Why My Feelings Can't Stay..
I'd Be Lying To Myself If I Said That She Doesn't Have A Place..
And The Times When I Feel Like I Need Her.. I Think Of Her Face..
The Ways..
The Days..
When We Were So Happy..
Her And I.. And I Have Her To Thank.. For The New Way That She Has Me..
But The Dilemma Kicks In..
Because With Her.. I Will Always Be Friends..
And Sometimes It Hard To Say That I Don't Want Her.. Anymore..
And It's Hard To Close Those Chapters.. Even Harder To Shut The Door..
And Realize That When I Change The Locks..
That I Will Never Get Back.. What We Had.. What Her and I Got..
And The Times When I Say I Want Something New..
She Came Along.. And Helped Me Through..
She.. Tries.. To Change My Mind..
To Come Behind..
And Try To Clean Up The Mess That Was Me..
And If It Wasn't For Her.. I Wouldn't Need She..
Lord Knows She Came Right On Time..
So She Should Never See Pain Or Feel Heartache..
From Her and I Previous Mistakes..
And I Couldn't Live With Myself..
And I Know I Shouldn't Talk To She About Her.. But I Can't Help It..
Her And I.. Were Magic..
And I Think That She Knows..
How Hard It Is For Me To Let Her Go..
And I Respect She So Much..
For Even Being Apart Of The Situation.. Picking Me Up When I Was Sick Of Falling In Love..
My Love For Her.. Has Me At A Disadvantage..
So I Say If Things Are Meant To Happen Between She And I.. Who Am I To Challenge..
And She Opened My Eyes..
To A New Life..
I Can't Say That I'm Surprised..
But I Don't Want She To Sacrifice..
Or Feel Like She Will Never Win With Me Because Let's Face It Her Already Had The Prize..
Dilemma.. I Have To Realize..
Don't Want To Feel Like I Have To Choose..
Or Feel Like I'm Trying To Compare The Two..
So What Am I To Do..
When All I Ever Knew..
Was Her..
Her Touch..
Her Love..
What Am I To Do..
When She Touches Me..
When She Says She Likes Me..
When She Wants Me..
Searching For A Simple Answer..
The Question.. Do I Still Want Her..
Am I Willing To Find Out Where She..
And I Leads..
Dilemma.. Questions.. So Many Questions..
Which One Is The Curse.. Which One Is The Blessing..
I Mean.. I Needs Answers.. I Need Advice..
I Need To Know.. To Stay Here With Her.. Or Move On With She In My Life..
I Love Her.. But She.. I'm Liking Her Too..
What Am I To Do..
*Sighs*

Leave Me With My Memories

Every Time..
You Say That You've Made Up Your Mind..
That You're Tired..
Tired Of Me..
Tired Of The Imaginary Boundaries..
Tired of The Lines..
Drawn..
Tired Of The Lack Of Interest..
The Questions..
Tired Of My Actions..
My Reactions..
Tired Of My Answers..
You Telling Me That I'm Slowly Killing You.. A Bomb.. Ticking.. Just Like Cancer..
My Love.. Breaks You Down..
Nothing Positive.. Mostly Negative.. Whenever I Come Around..
Funny.. I Thought.. Everything Was Cool..
Maybe I Am The Fool..
Doing Eerything That You Answer.. Just To Make Sure That You're Pleased...
With Me..
Every Opportunity..
That I Ceased..
Was To Make Us Better.. And Now You Want To Leave..
And Even If I Promised..
To Be More Honest..
Than I've Ever Been..
To Continue To Reply.. We Really Just Need To Be Friends..
This Space.. Time To Test The Water.. Well I Hope You Drown..
I Hope That While You're Looking For Someone To Save You.. You Look Around..
To See That There is Nobody To Be Found..
I Hope The Water.. Crushes You..
And The Lust..
For Life..
Brings You Death..
And I'll Never Wish Bad On Anyone But I Wish That Somethind Else..
Takes You.. Takes Over You..
The Thing That Allows You To Question My Intentions..
Every Visit..
It's Always Something Different..
Screaming For Me To Listen..
Yelling For Me To Pay Attention..
I Tune Out.. Black Out.. Spazz..
And The After Math..
Is Tears..
Because No Matter How Much I Open Up.. I'm Not Being Real..
In You're Eyes..
So I Apologize..
Man I Can Win For Losing..
And Can't Lose For Winning.. And If It's You I'm Choosing..
What's More Important..
Not Knowing Your Worth.. Or Losing Mine.. Is It Really Worth It..
The Times When It Felt Like Magic..
We're Happy.. And Then You Start To Wave Your Hands.. And There You Have It..
It Disappears..
And Reappears..
Whenever You Feel Like.. The Coast is Clear..
The Arguments..
The Judgments..
The Way You Used to Look At Me.. You've Lost Your Innocence..
So You Charge Me With Criminal Intention..
Complain About Things..Like You See The Future..
Was Once Stuck In The Past..
Bitter About Things And People In Your Life That Didn't Last..
So When Talk Of The Present Comes Up..
Just Like A Full Cup..
U Spill..
Until It All Becomes Vivid..
We Have To End This..
And When I Can't Get You Out Of My Head..
I Can't Even Force Myself To Get Out Of Bed..
Laying With My Thoughts..
Sleeping With Memories..
Praying That You Don't Wake Me..
Or I Would Be Forces to Deal With Reality..
Interact With Your Personality..
And Personally..
I Would Rather.. Dream..
Wishing You Could Stay That Way Forever..
In My Dreams.. We Are Togther..
You Don't Stress Me..
You Don't Depress Me..
You Complete Me..
In My Dreams.. You Need Me..
You Believe Me..
When I Say I Love You..
You Smile And Say I Love You Too..
My Memories Are All I Have Right Now..
You Used To Be Worth The While..
Worth The Time And The Effort..
And In Any Efforts..
You Can't Say That I'm Not Trying..
And You've Be Lying..
If You're Saying That We Didn't Have It..
Before All The People In Your Ear.. Feeding You That Bullshit..
And Every Time You Eat.. Cleaning The Plate..
Scraping.. Luckily Your Fingers and The Plate..
Instant Mood Change.. When I See Your Face..
No I'm Not Trying To Replace You..
Not Trying To Erase..
The Memories..
But You Just Tendency..
To Push Me To My Limits..
Question Our Time Together.. And Why I even Spend It..
When I Should Save It..
Why Even Have It..
Reaching Out Your Hands To Me.. Thinking Why Should I Even Grab It..
Want Me On My Knees..
Begging.. Graveling.. Pleading..
For Another Chance..
For Another Pass.. One More Advance..
For Advice..
For Reasons To Keep Me In Your Life..
But The Answer is So Simple.. So Easy..
I Need To Let Go..
And If You Really Do Leave Me.. I'll Take My Heart.. My Mind.. My Essence.. My Soul..
And If That's The Case..
Take It.. Take It All..
But I Want To Be Able To Recall..
I Want To Be Able To Go Back.. To The First Day.. I Met You..
Loved You.. Held You.. Thought That This Would Last..
Made The Decision.. To Slow Down.. When I Felt Like My Love Was Moving To Fast..
I Want To Remember You Calling..
You Texting..
When I Wasn't Questioning Or Second Guessing..
Anything..
Whenever My Phone Would Ring..
How I Prayed It Was You..
Looking Back Now.. I'll Be Lucky If I Get A Text Or Too..
So Yes.. Take All You Need To Take Away From Me..
But Please Before You Say That Final Good-bye.. Just Leave Me With My Memories..

Pride...

And People Tell Me To Have It.. Maybe I'll Understand Pride When I Grow Older..
Carry My Pride.. On My Shoulders..
Everyday I Should Wake Up.. And When I Go Out Into The World.. Face It..
The Hate..
Face It..
Remarks..
Total Disregard..
For My Feelings..
The Resentment..
Just Wear It..
Bear It..
Pride..
I Look At The Colors.. The Rainbow..
A Symbol..
If It Was That Simple..
Maybe It Represents..
Me Facing All My Fears..
Maybe It The Rivers.. That I Cried.. My Tears..
After The Rain.. It Will.. Show.. It Will Appear..
And If You Ever Reach The End of It.. You'll Find Your Gold..
You'll Find Something Precious.. So I've Been Told..
I Guess I'll Have to See..
But Until Then.. It's Just Me..
Feels Like I'm Fighting..
Slowing Dying..
If Not Inside..
Then Out...
Depression..
Repression..
A Stored Collection..
Of My Memories..
Just In Case.. My Life Flashes Before Me..
I Can Smile..
Once In A While..
I Get Tired.. Of It All..
Thinking About Giving Death A Call..
But I Swear Death is The Easy Way Out..
And I Doubt..
That Anyone Will Miss Me..
I Wish I Could Go Back to The Innocent Me..
Pride..
And How Could This..
Word..
Pride..
Everyone Telling Me.. That I'm Not Normal.. Why?
Like I'm A Mistake.. Like I Lost Me..
Because I Don't Love The Way Other's Love.. My Love is Different..
To Be More Specific..
My Love is For My Same Gender.. I Love Her.. She Loves Me..
And Even If She Doesn't Love Me.. Another Woman Will.. You'll See..
And Based On The Way I Think.. I'm A Disgrace..
Those Eyes.. The Whispered Words Behind My Back.. Because You're Not Man Enough to Say It To My Face..
Pride..
Why Should I Hide..
My Pride..
People Judge Me..
Old Friends I Used to Have..
Are Now Friends of The Past..
Family..
What Family..
People Who Criticize Me..
Tried to Analyze Me..
Telling Me That I Need to Pray..
Hoping One Day..
I Wake Up And Say..
I'm A Changed..
Pride..
My Lifestyle..
Would Never Be For You To Understand..
And The Fact That You Can't Hold Me Hand..
In The Time Of My Need..
Asking God.. On My Knees.. Please Give Me Strength.. Please..
I Lay In My Bed..
In The Dark.. But Yet I Keep Thinking.. Oh The Color Of Red..
Pride..
Orange, Yellow, Green..
Pride..
Blue, Indigo, and Violet..
Pride..
Never Knew.. That Those Colors.. Mean So Much.. Just to Mean So Little.. You Will Never Understand How I Could Possibly Feel..
I've Lost Friends.. People Who Couldn't Deal..
Lost In Lies... Died Because They Couldn't Face Facts.. Life To Them Was Just To Real..
Couldn't Cope..
Lost Hope..
In Themselves...
So Today.. I'm Taking A Stand..
Against The Violence.. The InTolerance...
When All We Want To Be.. Is Treated The Same..
Not To Be Pushed.. Shoved.. Judged.. Called Out Of Our Names..
I Can No Longer.. Sit Around.. And Watch People..
Pride.. Take A Stand.. Never Let People Treat You..
Disrespect..
Question.. Add Suspect..
Blame You For A Crime That You Will Never Commit..
I'm Sick of It..
Pride..
You Never Know How Far Your Actions Will Go..
That Same Person.. Who You Bullied.. Picked On.. Showed..
That Life Will Always Be Hard Because Of Actions Made.. That Are Out Of Their Hands.. And Times Have Changed..
May Feel Like Life is Already Hanging In The Balance.. So They Too Should Hang..
Another Death.. Hate Crime.. And It's A Shame..
We Had To Lose Someone Because Of Another's Ignorance..
Grievance..
Saying Good Bye To Someone.. We Shouldn't Have Too..
Pride..
What Does it Really Mean To You..

Me, Myself And I...

I Swear I Can't Blame Anyone But Me..
Everything..
I Wished That I Could See..
Every Time..
Love is Supposed to Be Blind..
And I'm Following You Foolishly..
And Eventually..
You Become Unaware..
To The Facts.. So Unprepared..
So Taken Back From The Rights..
You Stop Putting Up A Fight..
You Stop Looking For The Wrongs..
Your Guard and Walls are Slowing.. Breaking Down..
Meanwhile..
Yeah.. Until..
One Day.. We All Call It Free Will..
Wakes You Up.. And You No Longer Feel Safe..
Now You Have To Face..
You No Longer Feel.. At Ease..
You Don't Know What To Believe..
So Much Tension..
In The Room..
I Don't Even Want to Look At You..
You Walk In.. And I Walk Out..
Considering Leaving You.. Wondering If It's You.. I Can Do Without..
I Look At You.. I See Love.. Until You Open Your Mouth..
Bullshit And Doubts..
Lies Comes Out..
Triggers.. Incidents.. Dates..
Times.. Places.. And Our Fate..
Which We Both Used To Hold.. So How..
Do I Hold The Judgement.. Our Future.. Our Right Now..
I Used to Tell Myself.. That I Should Never Get To Close.. Should Fall..
Anything..
Reminds Me.. Of Happiness..
Anytime..
I Would Have Never Hesitated To Give You The Best of Me.. Best of This..
Going to Sleep With You.. Dreams Of Infidelity..
Slowly Turning Into Nightmares.. Reason To Why I'm Feeling So Lonely..
When I'm Not Alone.. When It's An Us..
We Was Together.. And Even That To You.. Never Seem Like It Was Enough..
A Verbal Commitment..
Thinking To Myself.. That This Time.. Things Will Be Different..
You Were My Happy Ending..
But Sometimes.. The Ending.. Never Seems To End The Way You Want It Too.. Not To Mention..
The Fact That I Would End Up.. Heart Broken.. From You..
Yeah You Tell Me.. That You're Hurting Too..
But I Can't See It..
You Honestly.. Can't Feel Me..
You Can't Relate..
Because At The Moment.. You're Still Trying to Replace..
Me..
Erase..
Me..
I've Haven't Seen A Single Tear.. Fall From Your Eyes..
Haven't Heard You Even Say You're Sorry.. Haven't Yet Apologized..
So How Can You Say.. You Agree..
And You Know What I Need..
I Beg To Differ.. I Disagree..
Please..
If You're Going to Leave.. Please Stop Making Excuses and Just Go..
But Before You Leave.. I Want You To Know..
That Once You Walk Away.. There is No Way in Hell I'll Ever Let You Come Back..
And As A Matter Of Fact..
Exit..
Just As Swiftly As You Made An Entrance.. But This Time It's Different..
And As I Watch You Walk Out of My Life..
I Made A Promise To Myself.. That At The End Of The Day.. It's Just Me, Myself and I..

Dream Girl..

I Want You To Make Love to Me Right Now..
Drop What You're Doing.. Put Those Things Down..
Turn Around..
And Follow Me..
Allow Me..
But Don't Ask Me..
No Questions.. In Fact..
Sit Back..
Baby Relax..
I Want You To Watch.. Me..
You Can Have Whatever You Like.. Do You Like What You See..
No Touching..
No Hugging..
Just Me Rubbing..
Let Your Fingers Explore..
And When I Moan For You To Stop.. Give Me More.
Baby Can You Teach Me..
How To Please These..
I Know What Turns You On..
Whatever I Am Doing Wrong..
I Want To Make It Alright..
Better Than Better.. I Want Your Insight..
Close Your Eyes..
And Let Your Mind..
Wonder.. Where Ever It Needs To Go.. Because Your Body is Mine..
So Unwind..
Let Me Know When You're Ready..
Because Baby..
I've Been Waiting All Day..
Been Missing Your Sweet Escape.. My Perfect Getaway..
And It's Been A Minute..
Since I Paid It A Visit..
Missing The Feeling I Get When I'm In It..
And It's Always Time Well Spent..
You Know My Body is The Best Instrument..
And I Love The Way You Use It..
But First.. I'll Put On Some Music..
I'll Dance.. I'll Strip.. I'll Dance..
And It Becomes Clear.. My Mind Set.. My Plans..
Take My Hand..
We Touch..
We Slow Dance..
No.. Sit Back Down..
Not Right Now..
I'm Not Fully Aroused..
You Say You Love Me.. Well Show Me.. With Your Mouth..
No Sounds.. No Words.. I Just Want to Feel All of Your Energy..
Pleasing Me..
Teasing Me..
Relieving Me..
Now Stop.. Look At Me..
Kiss Me..
Now Kiss Her.. I Think It'll Be Better If You Used Your Tongue..
And I Promise You That I'll Take Whatever Your Giving Me.. I'll Never Run..
Baby She Missed You The Most.. She Always Cries When She Feels You're Almost Done..
Yes I Miss You Too..
But That's Not The Issue..
You Want Me.. And I Want You..
I Love The Way You Sound..
Can't Control Yourself.. It's Like It's No One Else Around..
Baby Just Breathe..
Inhale.. Exhale.. You Said This is What You Need..
And If Not Now.. When..
No.. I Don't Want It To End..
And I'll Do Whatever You Say..
We Can Just Role Play..
I'm Be The Doctor.. Nurse.. Teacher..
So Ready to Consume All Of You.. You're The Main Feature..
Let's Record..
Be On One Accord..
And Watch What A Great Masterpiece..
Soft or Hardcore Erotica.. Let's Just Watch and See..
Let's Do It In Front Of The Mirror..
And There's Nothing More Realer..
I Want You To See What You Do To Me..
Trying Not To Show.. The Faces.. I Make.. When You're Savoring Me..
Baby Let's Do Something We Have Never Seen..
My Imagination Runs Wild.. Especially When It Deals With Pleasuring..
Just Lay Next To Me.. No I Will Not Stop..
Just Let Me Climb On Top..
Just Grab Me By The Waist..
Oh How I Love How Your Kisses Taste..
You're Lips Are Soft..
I'm So Turned On.. It's So Hard To Turn Me Off..
Nothing Will Compare..
No One Will Ever Share..
You Just Take Me So High Up In The Air..
I Never Want To Come Back..
Well After That..
I'm Slowly Coming Down.. You Do Things To Me.. That No One Else Can.. Or Will Ever Understand It..
It's Nothing Else Left To Say.. But.. *Sighs*.. Damn It..
Nothing Else Left To Do But.. Drift into My Dream World..
Loving That It Never Ends.. I'll See You In My Sleep.. And When I Wake Up.. My Dream Girl..

My Preference

So When You Look At Me What Do You See..
Please Tell Me..
Do You See The Curiosity In My Eyes Because My Eyes Doesn’t Lie..
Do You See The Inquiring Look On My Face When You Ask Me If It’s A Females Lips I Want To Taste or Would I Rather Stick to The Taste of A Guy’s Penis?
It’s Like I Understand That Whole Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus..
But Where The Hell Am I From? Pluto?
It’s Like I’m A Guy Trapped in A Girl’s Body, He Knows, She Knows and You Know..
And What Makes It So Incredible..
Is That I’m The Best Of Both Worlds..
The Mind Frame of A Guy.. A Beast With The Beauty Of A Girl..
That Would Make Me A Quadruple Threat, To Some But To Most.. It's Another Opportunity To Hate..
Can You Really Judge A Book By It’s Cover.. What Would My Book State..
We Are So Lost In This State Of Mind... You Could Never Find The Real Me...
My Book Would Have So Many Chapters.. It Would Be Hard Not To Get In Deep In My Story..
Laughing Because The Things You Would Think Is So Trife...
Is The Shit That I Already Done Twice In My Life...
And Reading About Your Life Would Indeed Bore Me..
But Let’s Get Back To The Matter At Hand, MY STORY..
My Contents.. My Pages.. My Autobiography..
But Truthfully You All Want To Know.. No Need For Apologies..
A Pretty Girl Like Me Is Down With Guys..
Just Ups and Then Decides..
It's Time To Switch Teams And Go With The Flow..
I Mean What If I Am.. Why Should You Have A Say So...
What Does It Matter To You..
About it.. What Can You Do..
It’s Because You Hear That I’m Gay...
Since You Figured That You Can Turn Me Out By Hear Say..
Or That Because You Honesty Think That A Box is Going Io Keep Me Interested..
In What The Pink Has To Say.. Knowing It'll Make a Huge Difference..
Because I’m Always Blue..
What Am I To Do..
I Can’t Help It If He Likes Me And She Likes Me Too..
So After Debating My Feelings I Took A Quiz To Help Me Find Myself So To Speak, I Felt Lost, I Needed A Clue..
This Test Told Me That I Was Confused..
When In Fact I’m Not… It Told Me That I Was Curious And Should Open Up More..
Knock And It Will Be Open.. Just Have To Pick The Right Doors..
That I Should Seek And I Will Find..
Open My Mind..
To The Possibilities..
So What Am I Waiting For.. As If I Wasn’t Lost Already..
They Tell Me That Being This Way Is Why I Could Never Really Go Steady..
My Path Isn’t Quite Clear..
And The Way You Make It Seem.. Likes It’s A Girl’s Worst Fear..
To Be Hurt And Now You Tell Me That I Would Rather The Comfort Of A Woman And Her Presence To Be Near..
Or That I Enjoy Sex Because It’s With Guys But Girls Are What I Hold Dear..
Let Me Be Clear...
I Don’t Like Bitches..
I Love Women..
I’m Thinking To Myself This Is The Real Reason Why I Would Never Settle Down..
Because Every Time That Tom, Dick, and Harry Came Around..
It Was Never Me That They Was Actually Trying To Pursue...
It Was My Nails So To Speak And Every Chance That They Got.. They Tried To Screw...
Now That I Don’t Need A Hammer.. I Want Some Thing Real...
I Should Stick To One Side And Pretend Like It Isn’t Mixed Feelings That I Feel..
Like I Can’t Imagine Me With You And Her On The Side..
It’s Called A Three Some Dumb Ass.. Are You Down For The Ride..
Since You Already Figured That I Was Gay In Your Mind..
So Why Are You Wasting Time Trying To Ask Me If I Am Happy..
Nigga I’m blissful And My life Is A Mystery...
I Have Kept You On The Edge Of Your Seat.. My Moments Are Suspenseful.. I'm Just Being Me..
And Every Time You Think That You Have Me Figured Out I Change..
Nothing About Me Stays The Same..
And If You Can’t Understand That You Never Figured Me Out And I Doubt That You Ever Will..
And You Tell Me That Only Time Will Tell Until I Have To A Side I Have To Choose..
A Life That You Deemed Me Too... Marriage With You.. Husband and Kids..
That This Other Lifestyle Forbids..
That Prevents Those Incidents From Ever Happening Until You And Her Are Forced To Fight For Who Gets Me.. Like I'm Some Kind of Fucking Prize..
I'm A Fucking Person.. I Have Feelings Too.. They're Just Deep Down Inside..
I Know Right.. I'm Talking Crazy.. Kinda Sounds Like Familiar.. Heard It All Before..
If Anything How Would Anyone Understand How I'm Feeling.. How In The Blue Fuck Would You Even Know..
And Instead of Judging.. If You Want To Know Me.. If You Ever Have To Question..
Just Ask Me.. I'll Be More Than Happy To Tell You My Preference..

Baby...

Baby..
Can We Just Maybe..
Baby..
Can You Save Me..
I'm Used To These Tears.. Drowning..
I've Got So Used To No One Being Around And..
Baby.. You Can't Even Imagine..
The Challenge..
Got Used to Love Being So Hard..
So It's Not That Easy Letting Down My Guard..
Baby..
Can We Just Maybe..
Baby..
Escape These..
Limits of Love's Supposed to Be.. I'm Sick of Limits..
I Don't Want Your Love.. If Your Heart.. Truly Isn't In It..
Baby..
Listen..
I'm Not Saying That This is Different..
And If It Isn't.. Please Tell Me Now.. So I Can End It..
While I Have The Courage and My Pride..
Because When I Fall.. I Can't Just Toss Our Love Aside..
Baby...
Can We Just Maybe..
Baby.. Baby..
Understand.. That We..
Can Re-Define.. The Definition of Love.. You and Me..
Force Everyone To Try Harder.. When They Look As Us..
Just One Look At Our Love..
Baby..
Hi..
Goodbye..
You'll Never Hear Those Words Again.. Never Will I Say..
Or Pull You Closer.. Or Even Push You Away...
So Let's Get Those Introductions Out The Way..
Baby..
Can We Just Maybe..
Baby..
Just One Opportunity..
To Spend The Rest of Eternity..
And There is No Need to Worry..
Or Question.. My Honesty.. My Loyalty..
You're The Only Girl For Me..
Baby..
I Really Don't Need To Know How You Feel..
And I'm So For Real..
I'll Never Find Another..
So I Wouldn't Even Bother..
Looking.. Sneaking..
Searching.. Creeping..
Finding.. Cheating..
Never Would I Even Jeopardize..
Put You In A Situation.. That Ends With Tears Falling From Those Pretty Little Eyes..
Violate Your Trust..
Deprive You Of Our Love..
When I Have What I Need Right Here.. Right Now.. From You..
Baby.. It's Truth..
And For What It's Worth..
I'll Spend The Rest Of My Time Of Earth..
Scratching.. Till I Get To The Surface.. Finding The Key..
That Unlocks Your Heart.. Change The Locks.. So No One Can Ever Know Your Secrets But Me..
They Will Never Know The Way To Your Heart.. I Don't Want to Share You..
And If You Could See What I See.. You Wouldn't Want To Share You Either.. You'll Be Stingy Too..
I Just Want to Know.. In Your Life.. Is There A Place For Me..
Baby..
Can We.. Like Can We.. Just Maybe..
Can We Be..

Unfortunate..

.. Funny How The Tables.. Turn..
The Same Lesson That You Tried To Teach Me.. You Now Have to Learn..
The Same Basic Instructions..
Told Me About My Illogical Behavior is Now a Factor in Your Own Misconduct..
How Does It Feel.. Really..
Told Me.. You Will Never Know How I Felt.. Now You Really Feeling Me..
Dumped Me..
Quitted Me..
You Had Such A Way With Words..
Dragged Out The Process Just to Say You Want to Be With Her..
How Is That Going..
Jumped Into It With Her.. Not Even Knowing..
And When I Thought Our Love Was Just Growing..
You Acted Like This Angel.. But I Swear Your Horns Are Showing..
Told Me I Would Never Understand Your True Worth..
And If That Wasn't Bad Enough.. You Made It Worst..
Forced The Knife is My Heart.. Broke It.. And Sat Back..
When You Felt Like I Was Lacking Love.. You Complained When You Had To Pick Up The Slack..
And Every Time We Had To Interact..
You Always Found A Way To Bring Me Down..
Funny How What Goes Around.. Always Comes Right Back Around..
Built Me Up to Tear Me Down..
And I Took It All With A Smile..
Subjected Me to False Hope..
So Cut Throat..
In This Thing You Called Your World of Love..
I Tried.. Sweat.. Tears.. And Blood..
Even When I Wanted to Fight For Us..
Made It Clear.. That It Was No Point in Fighting For Our Love..
Drove Me To Insanity..
Drove Myself.. Crazy.. Just Because You Demanded It From Me..
And When I Became Crazy In Love With You..
You Felt Like My Love.. Was To Bizarre For You..
And When I Wrote You Love Letters.. With The Sincerest Intent..
I Had To Be Better.. Because I Knew You Wasn't Happy With Us Just Being Content..
But You Never Took The Time to Check..
Changed Your Address and Moved On To The Next..
In Every Aspect..
It Took Days.. Months.. Years..
To Erase You From My Mind.. Wished That The Thought Of You Would Just Disappear..
And Now That My Time Had Passed You By..
You Want To Call Just to Say Hi..
Hoping That I Would Sympathize...
Without Question.. You Want to Break Down and Cry..
Memories of Us.. And How We Used to Be.. Makes You Want to Break Down Inside..
Now You're Trying To Explain..
The Love That You Had For Me... The Love You Took Away..
Is Now Something.. That You Need to Survive.. You Need to Stay..
Talks Of How.. The Girl.. That You Replaced Me.. With..
Turned Out To be Nothing Like You Thought She Would Be.. Her Love is So Different..
And Now That You're Getting A Taste of Your Own Medicine..
At One Point or Another.. Her Love For You Felt Like It Was Heaven Sent..
And Now She Treats You Like You're Irrelevant..
You Blame Me.. Because Our Love to You.. Was The Realest..
You Ask How I Feel.. Well I'm Indifferent..
And In No Place.. Or Point In Time..
Well I Let You Back Into My Life.. Or Will I Let You Remind..
Me.. Of All The Pain.. The Hurt..
And Just Because You May Not Know Yours.. I Know My Worth..
You Still Ask For One More Chance..
You Extend Out Your Hand..
Wanting To Reach Out To You..
But Anger and Hatred Towards You.. Is What I'm Used Too..
And Like The Pieces Of a Puzzle.. You're Puzzled..
All Out Of Place.. Needing To Be Fixed.. And You Don't See Any Other..
That Can Complete You..
Hoping I'll Be There.. When You Need Me That Most.. And Not How You Was When I Needed You..
You Guess What You're Trying To Say.. Is That Nothing is Promised..
And To Be Completely Honest..
Sincerest Deepest Apologies.. Because You Had To Find Out The Hard Way That Nothing Will Ever Be Better Than This..
All I Can Reply is How Unfortunate..

Be A...

I sensed the Change but never took the time to notice and understand Why
Why? Do You Let Him Treat you with Disrespect but Hate to Be Called a Bitch by a Girl
Like Being Called a Bitch by a Female is the One Thing in the World..
That would send you spinning around and shouting and yelling like You're Crazy
But you Let this Guy, This Man, This Nigga, as you so conveniently Put it call you everything But his Baby
A Shame, A Fucking Disgrace
You think that Because He Says that You are Not pretty.. U Need to Cover your Face
We all shed Tears...
We disguise our Fears..
BE A WOMAN... Grow Up.. Give Up.. and when you Feel Like you Can't Go On...
Go On.. Fight.. Stand Up.. BE A WOMAN...
Why?
Why Not?
Do you think that Because you don't Have Love doesn't mean that it's NOT there to see
So you Replace Love and Reality with Heartache and Fantasy...
Never...
Will I ever Depend on a Guy to Make me Happy or Define Me..
Never..
Will I ever Confuse being a Grown ASS woman with Being a Young Lady...
Because that's what you are... Young Minded
Often Blinded...
Slightly Misguided...
But You Tend to Follow Me..
Not Duplicating My Accomplishments.. But Your echoing my Mistakes.. As if an Original is Hard to Be..
Don't Be Me..
BE A WOMAN...
You Can't be a Man.. As Much as You Try to rationalize and justify to why you are who you become...
And with all this talk of Maturity.. It's Immature to Think that Way.. Or would you Prefer me calling you Dumb..
As if Pain, Heartache, Misery, Blah, Blah, Blah, Spare Me..
Spare Me..
The Stories of How you Thought you Found Love But it was Lust...
Spare Me..
Of How You thought You Had the Perfect Relationship in the World but You Lacked Trust
Spare Me..
Of How You were Blue to Love this Little Boy So You Cried Wolf.. And Cried.. And Cried..
See I'm Not Going to Lie...
You See I've Heard it All.. Seen it All.. Lived it.. Loved.. Cared..
See I'm Tired of the Player Types, the Gold Digging Life, the Friendships..the Fall outs.. It's Not There..
Love is Not There..
Love is Real..
And You Can't Possibly understand the Concept because Hey.. You Can't Feel..
You Don't Know.. What's it's Like to be a Grown as Woman..
You See..
Understanding My Life would be Plently of Reason to why you can't Be..
A Grown ass Woman..
So.. Grow Up.. Give Up.. And When You Feel like You Can't Go On...
Go On...
Achieve More than Just your skills to Getting a Man...
Learn how to Keep Him.. Wait (Raisies Hand)
Learn how to Keep a Good One..
Yeah.. I know I'm Reaching... But Maybe Just Maybe...
One Day instead of Being His Young Lady..
Try Being a Independent Grown ass Woman..

The GROWN Up Look...

It's So Funny How... Individuals Claim being Grown.. Like They Are Filing for Taxes...
Thinking that By Putting it On Paper.. You will Reap the Benefits.. While You Sit Back and Relax..
Being Grown... Is Not a Option.. It's a Requirement...
It's a Not a Defense Mechanism... You Turn in On and Off... You Claim.. For Instance..
It Defines You... Calls You to Deal with The Real World..
Instead.. You Figure that Because You Grow Older.. And Learn a Few Lessons... That Entitles You To Be a Big Girl..
It's Not a Piece of Clothing that You Can Put on... To Accessorize.. Or Compliment Your Look...
Thinking Like That Gone Get You Shook..
Take the Time.. To Grow Up.. Mature.. Live Life.. Beside Learn...
Earn.. This Grown Up Look... That You Feel.. You Have..
It's Not Something that You Have to Keep Telling People.. and Convincing Yourself...
Realize it for Yourself.. That Being Grown.. Is Just That...
Don't Talk About It... Teach it..
Don't Walk Like It... Live It..
Lead By Example... Motivate..
Celebrate..
Try to Comphrend..
Then Help the Next Individual.. To Understand..
Stop Feeding that Bullshit.. To People.. Because to People who are Grown..
You Brag.. About Who and What You Got.. What You Own..
To You.. You are the Epitome.. of The Grown Up.. Look.. Sad..
To Them.. You are Merely.. Just a Kid in a Grown Woman's Body.. With a Childish Mentality.. Mad..
That You Believe that By.. Changing Your Appearance.. You Alter Yourself.. Forgetting that When You Look in The Mirror.. That Same Person is There..
That Individual.. Who Wants Everyone to Know.. What She Got.. What She Had to Do to Get It.. And How Many Guys She Has.. Every Place.. Every Where..
Not Disclosing.. That Fact that When She Goes to Sleep.. She Sleeps Alone.. Because No Respectable Guy.. Will Date Her..
Never Been Serious with a Guy.. Sure She's a Good Fuck.. Amazing Head.. But Honestly No Guy Would Mate Her..
Take Her Home to Momma..
Yet in Still She's So Grown..
Just Because You Grew Up Fast.. Or So You Say.. You're Convinced.. That Other's Should Get Like You..
Always the One in the Group.. Trying to Enlighten Other Girls.. That Need Advice.. To Take Heed..
To Listen.. Because You've Been In Every Situation before.. So You Know The Outcome... And You Believe..
But Never Not Once Have You Listened to Your Own Advice.. Took It.. Applied It..
So When Other Look to You.. For Clarification.. You Suggest.. That They Judge You By Your Words and Not Your Actions.. Often.. Highlightening...
That Being Grown.. Is Being Able to Admit That Your In too Deep..
But You Never Allow.. Others to Distance Themselves.. You Hold Out Your Hand.. Offer Up Sympathy.. And Together we Creep..
The Recipe for Disaster.. Ignorance.. Yet in Still.. You Won't Deny that.. That This Life Style is the Growing Up Phase.. But When Will It End?
And You Wonder Why.. You are Alone.. And You Have No Love Life.. And No Real Friends..
If Any One Desires to Associate Themselves with You.. It's On a Cordial Basis..
So People Never Get to Meet the Real You.. Because You Display.. This Image.. To Make Others Happy... You Joke Around.. Saying.. The Grown Up Look.. Has Many Faces...
So You Deal with Whatever Comes Your Way..
Just to Keep the Company.. And Have that Security.. You Do Whatever to Keep them Satisfied.. And Anything to Keep them to Stay..
Pray Each Day..
That's If It's Not God's Will For Him to Be in Your Life.. Then Show You a Sign..
But When He Gives You One.. You Over Look it.. Claiming that Love is Blind..
And Then You Cry and Complain.. When You Are the One Wasting Your Time on a Guy..
Whose Not Looking for a Immature.. Girl.. Who Can't Practice What She Preach..
And So You Weep..
Praying.. That God.. Shows.. You The Way..
And You Cursed.. The Day..
You Ever Said You Were Too Grown.. For This...
What a Look...........

So Beautiful..

... Beautiful...
The Only Way to Describe You..
And That Word.. Still Could Never Do...
You Any Justice..
So When I Say.. That We Will Always Be..
Trust Us..
Trust Me..
Trust What I Do...
I'll Let My Heart Take a Chance.. Just to Be Loved by You..
And If You Were Mine..
Everyday.. I Wake Up..
Next To You..
Lay with You..
Never Lie to You..
And When You Cry..
It Will Be Because.. Happiness is All You See..
Compelled.. To Tell Me.. .
Your Fears..
Your Dreams. .
Your Life..
And How I Came in And Made Everything Right.
Came Right in Time..
You Got So Used to Love Being Blind...
All You Could See Darkness..
You Became So Heartless..
And Without Us..
Life, Living and Loving... Makes You Weak..
So When I Ask You..
About Us... And If We Could Be Together.. If Our Love Could Find Each Other.. and Meet..
You Decline..
So Nicely..
As If.. Giving Me a Chance.. Would Be Wasting Your Time..
And That Would Be Fine..
If I Didn't Think I Could Make You Better...
It Would Be My Pleasure..
To Try...
And I Can Tell You've Been Hurt.. You've Seen Pain..
And Because of That..You'll Never Be The Same..
I'm Just Saying..
When I Lay Down..
and Close My Eyes.. I'm Praying..
To God.. That Its Your Mind.. That I'm On and Staying..
I want to Be with You..
And Avant.. Said It Best.. It's Nothing in The World.. That I Wouldn't Do..

Thank Me Later...

Hey You...
I Pray That This Reaches You...
Tired of Preaching to You..
About Change...
Tired of The Constant Circles..
The Rollercoasters...
The Ups and Downs.
Being Around..
The Highs and Lows..
I Can Ride..
But I Refuse to Stand Aside...
Waiting Patiently... In Line..
While You Let Everyone.. Cut In Front of Me...
Saying They Have What I Lack..
So You're Pushing Me to The Back..
And I'm Supposed to Believe..
That Its Me You Need..
I'm Tired of.. Finding My Way to You....
Being Behind You..
When I Should Be Right Beside You...
But Your Too Focused on Trying to Take The Lead..
And It Kills Me.. That You Really Can't See...
You Will Never Be Satisfied...
And it would Be Hella Lies..
If You Said..
That One Girl Could...
I Wish You Would..
Sit Here and Lie to Me...
Cry to Me...
About Being Different..
So Unique..
But When You Speak..
It Just Sounds Like a lot of Words..
And Its Either Been Already Said or Already Been Heard..
If Not By Me.. To Me..
So I Thank You..
For Pushing Me... Away From You...
To Make The Final Decision to Do What I Have to Do...
Show You... That Being Single is My Choice.. And Solution...
With All of Our Problems... We Seem to Add More... Never Finding Resolutions...
So Again.. I Thank You...
For Opening.. My Eyes..
And All This Time...
I Thought Love Was Bind..
And Most of The Time..
I Was Not Even Seeing Clearly...
How Could I Be So Naivee..
So Eager to Please..
The Unpleasable..
When You Made Unreasonable..
Request...
For Me to Love You.. At My Very Best...
When Your Love for Me Was Average...
Most of The Time.. You Wasn't Even Willing...
To Be Giving Me Your Best...
And Still I Stand Thanking You...
Praising You...
To Help Us...
Trust..
Lust For Me..
Like I Lusted For You...
Not Cool..
How You Put Me Through Every Little Test.. That Could Possibility Prove...
That I Would Never Be Good Enough...
For You...
Or Anyone Else for that Matter... How?
Can I Still Thank You.. Simply.. I Can Admit My Mistakes...
And Know That No Matter How Long It Takes..
I Will Let Go.. Of You...
So Maybe in The Next Lifetime.. Maybe in The Next Life...
You Can Say That.. You Did All You Can Do.. To Keep Mrs. Right...
I'll Be Okay.. And I Have You To Thank.. Every Day and Night..
Because You Will Never Truly Find Anyone Greater...
And You'll Be The One Regretting... Scared of Lonely... So You Can Thank Me Later...

Think About It..

... Saying That I Would Rather Go Blind... Is a Mere Understatement...
A Selected Choice of Words.. That Does Not Do My Heart Justice...
You Say That You Wanna Be Freed..
And No Matter How Far.. You Go.. My Love.. You Could Never Escape From It...
The Thought of You Walking Out of Life...
Without a Fight..
Without a Stuggle.. Without Regrets...
I Wish I Could Reset..
The Past...
Make My Feelings for You... Last...
I Feel Like I Let You Down...
And Everytime I Hear Your Name.. I Can Feel Your Presence.. When You're Not Around...
There was a Time When You Set Me Free..
Hanging On To Your Every Word..
Strangled.. By My Lingering.. Expectations...
What's Not Being Said.. Or Listening to Everything I Hear...
Of What We Could Be...
Slowing Dying... From Your Empty Promises..
The Last Breathe... That I Would Breath..
Would Be To Tell You That I'm in Love with You...
Never Thought That You Would Be The Death Me..
Everytime I Would Just Die.. In Your Arms..
Living a Perfect After Life..
You See I've Already Been to Heaven.. And Back..
You Send My Mind Wondering..
Controlling My Every Need...
So Please Believe Me...
When I Say... I'll Rather Go Blind...
I'll Cut Off Every Living Function...
Before I Function... Without.. My Baby..
You Complete Me...
You Need Me... I Need You...
We Make Each Other Better... Always and Forever.. You Know What You Must Do..
Leaving Me is Out The Question.. Baby... Just Sit.. You Belong With No One Else... Why Can't You See...
So Before You Walk Out of My Life.. And If Everything Else Fails.. Please Just Think of Me...

Imagination..

... I Close My Eyes.... And Drift Away...
And I Swear I Can Feel You... See You... Hear You.... Your Kisses... I Still Remember How They Taste...
I Think Back... To a Time... When You Were All Mine...
And I Was All Yours....
My Eyes... My Lips... My Hands... My Body... My Mind...
Focused On You.... Pleasing You...
I Imagine a World... Where It Was Only You and I...
And Although I Have No Problem... With Anyone Watching Us... I Feel The Need to Have The Attention Focused on Me...
Your Hands Exploring...
Me Luring... Your Hands... To Touch Me...
Your Eyes Suggesting That You Want To...
You Kiss Me... I Let You... I Kiss You Back... You Look at Me... And I Look Back at You... Like I Know...
No Words... Need To Be Said...
And As We Lay Here... Enjoying Each Other On Our Bed..
We Both Know What it Is... And What It Has To Be...
Somehow In a Moment of War... We Can Make Peace..
I Forget About The Lies... And Why I Feel So F*cked Up Inside... When Our Lips Meet...
We Forget About Pain... The Hurt... The Feelings...
My Imagination... Playing Tricks on Me...
I Could Swear... That You Long For Me...
Like I Long For You...
And What Am I To Do...
When No One Can Make Me Feel Like You Can....
The Way You Take My Hand...
And Lead Me...
Damn My Imagination...
I Could Swear... When I Look at The One I'm With Now...
It's Your Face I See...
When I'm F*cking My Present... I Imagine That It's My Past... That I'm Making Love Too..
I'm Sexing The Future So Good... That She Doesn't Even Worry About The Other Two...
Because To Her... The Future is All That Matters..
And I Wanna Make Her Smile...
When All The While...
I Can't Let Go Of The Past... To Keep a Steady Relationship.. With My Present...
And Even Though Our Sex is So Heaven Sent...
My Imagination Gets The Best Of Me...
And When It Seems Like The Present and I.... Finally Find Happiness...
It Always Seems Like The Past Tries to Find a Way Back To Me....
Then It Begins...
The Temptation...
It's Like I'm Cheating Death...
Because If My Past, Present, and Future Ever Meet... I'm Sure That It Would Be The End of Me...
And If That Ever Occur.. I'll Be Ready To Meet My Maker..
Until Then... I'm Loving My Present... Lusting My Past... And Liking My Future...
I'm A Woman Torn Before... Now Showing When You Look Into My Eyes...
The Battle of Who Makes Me Better...
Is Only Fought on The Inside...
My Heart and Mind.. Has Been a Victim... But I Will Never Show That On The Outside...
And When I Felt Like I Couldn't Go On... I Thought About My Future... The Real Reason... I'm Still Alive...
And God Knows That Honestly... I'm Not Ready To Die...
So Until Then I'll Play The Good Girl Role...
And Yes It's Times.. When This Good Girl Way of Living... Gets Old..
So... I'll Keep Imaging...
Stay Dreaming..
Day or Night...
That The Past Would Come Back into My Life.. And Wanna Do Me Right...
Until Then.. I'll Fight...
And Give My All To Present...
So That I Can Do Future Better...
And It's Funny... Because She Knows That I Will Never Step Out On Her... But She Feels Like I'm Mentality Cheating...
She Knows My Imagination Gets The Best of Me...
So.. In Present's Eyes... She Senses I'm Unhappy.. But Physically... She Knows That She Can't Do Anything About It...
So She Lets Me Do Me...
And We Both Know That in My Heart... That She is The Only One For Me... My Favorite Girl..
And If I Could Do Anything to Make Our Life Better... If I Could I Would Give Her The World...
But She Still Knows.. My Imagine Gets The Best of Me...
And When We Both Say Goodnight... Kiss... And Go to Sleep...
And She Knows I Close My Eyes... And Drift Back to Past... Because She Could Never Compare...
Past and I have Something.. That We Could Never Share...
And I Know She Hates... It... And Sometimes... She Feels... Insecure... More Or Less... Jealous...
She Confines... In Me... Saying That If It Wasn't For Past.. Then It Wouldn't Be A Us...
And I Say... Baby... We Need Trust...
And She Replies... Baby I Know... But I Can't Stop Thinking What If... I Guess Its Just... My Imagination... And I Can't Blame Her... Because I Swear My Imagination Has Played Many of Tricks On Me...

In Memory of You...

.... I Swear... I Have Those Days...
When I Wish That Things Were The Same...
Wishing... That When I Wake Up... It's Your Pretty Face That I See...
Do You Miss Me...
Like I Miss You...
I Can't Even Lie..
I Wish I Can Pause Life...
And Replay Our Love Twice..
And Wouldn't It Be Nice...
If We Could Be...
I Know That Right Now... It's Not Our Time... And I See...
That You're Happy...
And Because I Truly Love You...
I Can Show You...
I'm Better...
I'm Getting My Life Together...
So When You Do Come Back to Me...
You Can See...
How Much I've Changed..
I Couldn't Stay The Same...
I Needed To Grow...
I Needed You To Know...
I'm Different...
And If You Just Take The Time and Listen...
Whatever Problem... We Can Fix It...
And I Know at Times... It Seems Like I'm Over You...
Well I'm Not...
I'm Trying... And It's Hard to Hide My Love... Easy To Spot...
My Feelings...
I Wear My Heart on My Sleeves...
And If You Please...
Just Understand How Much of My Life... You've Made an Impact...
You've Had My Back...
When Others... Turned Away..
So I Will Always Stay...
Loyal.. Down For You...
And If You Only Knew...
I Pray For You Every Day and Night...
And If Being in Love with You... Is Wrong.. Then I Don't Ever Want to Be Right...
It Takes All My Might...
Not To Call..
Not to Come Through...
Because I Truly Do Miss You...
But I Can't Sit and Wait For Ever...
And I Will Never Say Never..
When It Comes to You...
I Love You...
But I Have to Let You Go...
The Pain is Starting to Show...
And It Makes It Worst Because I Feel Like... It's My Fault and Baby I Know...
Separation... is Something I Should Get Used Too..
But My Heart Won't Let You Go...
My Pride.... If I Could Just Set That Aside..
Would You Still Be Mine..
But Seriously.... I Can't Be Loving You Anyone....
It's Affecting Me...
And I Know I Should Be Looking.. Meeting New Faces...
Because I'm Single... But I Feel Taken...
Yet in Still... It's Not The Same...
Am I To Blame...
Or Are You...
What Do We Have to Do...
I Feel Like No One Understands Me... My Love For You... Not Even You....
But Until You Realize It On Your Own.. I Guess This Friendship... Thing Will Have to Do...

Lovers and Friends...

... It Finally Hit Me...
Why It Has Never Worked Out With Others....
It's So Weird.. These Feelings... I Should Look at You.. Like A Brother or Sister From Another Mother...
But I Can't Shake This Feeling...
The Way You... Smile... The Way You Listen.. The Way Your Eyes Twinkle...
All These Things I'm Missing...
I Feel Like I Need You....
Aside From The Friendship... You Are My Best...
And They Weren't Lying... Because Your Better Than The Rest....
So How Do I Ask You.. Come to You..
Over Step Our Boundaries...
Lose Myself... So You Can Find Me...
I Will Put All My Playa Ways... Behind Me...
Just to Have a Chance...
And When We Hold Hands...
I Want It to Be Because You Want to Be Lovers and Friends...
We Are Better Than That... To Break Up... And End...
And I Can No Longer... Pretend...
That I Want to Be In This Zone...
I Wish It Was That Easy... That I Could Just Pick of The Phone..
And Tell You...
Share to You...
That Our Friendship... is a Stepping Stone to Something Incredible..
And If You Would Have Me... My Heart Would Be Yours Forever Though...
You Wouldn't Have to Call Me Crying... About How You Get Treated Like Dirt...
And For What It's Worth...
I Know You're Worth...
Even If You Don't...
You See Bestfriend...
I Won't...
I Can't...
I'll Never...
I'll Love You Forever...
It's Just Getting You... Is The Tricky Part of The Plan...
Maybe One Day I Can...
Show You... That You're The Only Person That Knows Me...
And If I Could Just Get Out The Friend Box... You'll See...
My Love Has No Limits...
If I Could Be More Vivid...
I'll Paint a Picture.... I'll Write You a Letter... I'll Buy Airtime On The Radio.. On The T.V...
I Do Whatever It Takes... So That You See..
Me As Someone You Can Spend The Rest of Your Life With...
You See... You've Already Blessed Me.. With Your Friendship.. And I Want To Show You I Can Love You Better... Just Let Me Prove to You.. And Return The Gift... Because You're The Best of Both Words... My Long Lost... Treasure... And I'll Do Whatever... Hopefully You Feel The Same Way...
And Instead of Calling Me Your Bestfriend... I'll Be The One to Make You Think You Can Love Again... I Wanna Be Bae.....

Can't Be Friends...

... Some Say Patience is a Virtue...
But Some Will Never Understand That Feeling You Get... When Someone Leaves You...
When All You Know is That Feeling of Being Wanted... It Disappears and Now She No Longer Needs You...
He No Longer Sees You... As His Best...
He Sees You As A Threat.. A Weakness... That Their Heart Can No Longer Protect..
I Swear Trey... Made Can't Be Friends For Us..
How Many Times Have We Gave Up On Each Other... But We Could Never Give Up on Our Love...
Our Friendship Should Always Come Above... Always Before...
But We Could Never Ignore The Signs...
Baby Do You Remember The Time..
That We Fell in Love... And The First Time We Kissed... The First Time We Hugged... The Very First Time We Said We Loved....
Now You're Telling Me....
That We Were Never Meant to Be... That We Didn't Meant It..
All The Late Night Chats... The Calls...
The Way You Stalled..
When You Wanted To Talk Longer...
And When Our Love Got Stronger... My Feelings Got Deeper...
Now I Hear You Telling People That I Don't Need Her...
You Don't Need Me..
Honestly...
Do You Really Want to Be Friends...
Sure We Separated.. But Why Should Our Love End...
Why Should I Stop Loving You Now... And This Friend Thing is an Excuse...
To Try to Keep Me Close.... But What's The Use...
I'm Not Happy at All... So Excuse Me....
If I Push You Away.. Ignore Your Calls... Your Texts... Delete You... Force You to Decide...
Just Because It's Your Feelings... You Hide...
Why Should I Lie....
To Myself and Others... Lie to Me..
You Can't Say That You Would Be Alright...
If I Up and Said I Found M. Right..
You Have The Power... To Change This...
Change The Way... I Look...
Change This Story Book Ending...
If You Really Feel Like We Could End Like This... And Be Friends Then...
That is What We Will Do...
But If You Feel Like Any Part of This is True..
Please Let Me Know...
Baby Don't Let Go...
Hold Me... Hold Me Down...
Stay Around..
As My Lover... You Mean So Much More To Me Than a Friend...
Baby Let's Try This Love Thing Again...
Let's Try to Pretend...
That This is All New..
Introducing and Meeting Each Other... A New Me... A New You...
We'll Meet For The First Time...
And If We Can Practice What We Preach.. We Can Get It Right This Time...
I Will Do Whatever to Convince Your Heart... Body.. Soul.. And Mind...
You Belong To Me... And I To You...
And If You Only Knew...
My Feelings For You are Too Real to Fake... I Can't Fake These Feelings... So They Have to Be True...
I Swear I'm Breaking Down...
Physically... And Mentally... To Picture It... Having to Looking at You Differently...
I Can't Be Just Another Associate.. Associating...
Someone You Call.. When You Feel Like You Need a Pick Me Up... Or For Advice...
When Someone Else Can't Handle Your Love.. So We Conference.... I'm Thinking Wouldn't It Be Nice...
If I Could Get We Back...
Wondering If You Tell Her The Same Things That You Tell Me...
And Will She Fall... Like I Fell..
Maybe Time Will Time...
I Wish It Was On My Side...
And You Could Be Mine...
Like You Were Before...
I Wish I Could Let You Know...
Jealousy is Not Really a Trait That I Carry...
But Right Now My Heart is Heavy...
And I'm Having One of Those Days...
When You're All I Can Think About.. Wondering If You're Feeling The Same...
Thinking About Me...
Stuck in Your Old Ways...
So I Send You A Smiley Face... Attached to It.. Is a Question... How Are You... Hi Friend...
You Reply... Hey Buddie...
I Type I Miss You So Much... Baby... I Want To Be With You.. But I Can't Force Myself To Tell You The Truth.. So Instead of Pressing Send...
I Press End...
And Say Nothing... Just Thinking... My Signature is It Would Be You...
But Regardless I Try to Ignore My How I Feel.. I Try To...
Put It Out of My Head...
The Truth is... It's So Loney... On Your Side of The Bed...
And Even Though I Wish These Feelings Would Go Away..
And I Can Put You Behind Me.. And Truly Mean It When I Say.. You're So Yesterday....
I Can't Help But To Think.. That We Should Be...
We Were Meant To Be...
Now It's Just Unfortunate... And You Can't See..
You're Moving Further and Further Away From Me...
And As Much As I Wish We Were More Than That....
Our Love is Lost... And No Matter How Hard I Look For It... It Will Never Come Back....
So Until You Realize It's With Me...
Where Your Heart And Love Lies... I Guess This Friendship is Were We Should Be...
And I Always Find My Way Back To You...
Back To Us..
When I Say That We Can't Be Friends...
Trust..
I Mean.. I Could Never Stop Loving You...
I Can Never Change The Way I Look at You...
And The Way You Look at Me...
You Know Me...
Better Than I Do...
You Could Say That You Don't Feel The Same Way...
But That Wouldn't Be True...
You Miss Us.. Just As Much As I....
And If I'm Wrong... Then I Apologize...
For Over Stepping My Friend Boundaries... But Everytime You Say... You Just Want To Be Friends... I Know The Truth... You Can Lie To Me... But Your Eyes Never Lie...

Still In Love With My Ex..

... I Know It Feels Like I'm Ungrateful..
And I Know This May.. Make You Feel Some Kind Of Way.. We've Said Alot Things.. Some Mean.. Other's Hateful..
And It's Not Like I'm Trying to Replace You..
I'm Blessed.. I Thank God For Me Being with You.. It's a Blessing That I Met You..
But..
I Don't Know How To Say This.. Or What..
To Say..
Baby I Love You in Every Way..
And You Are So Good To Me..
You're My Security..
And I Know That This May Come At The Wrong Time..
But I Have To Say What's On My Mind..
Baby.. I Have To Confess..
I'm Still In Love With My Ex..
Before You Say Anything..
Before You Ask Me.. What I Mean..
Let Me Speak..
Baby It's Not You.. It's All Me..
I Wasn't Ready.. This Wasn't My Plan..
I Thought That We Would Only Be Friends..
But Feelings Began to Grow..
And When The Feelings Become Mutual..
We Both Agreed That We Should Be Together..
And When We Made Those Promises to Each Other..
I Never Had Intentions to Stand By Any One of Them.. I Lied..
And When It Felt Like I Was So Happy With You.. I Cried..
Not From Happiness.. But Because I Knew No Matter How Much I Tried..
We Would Never Last..
Honestly.. I'm Too Stuck in My Past..
And As Time Flied.. It Moved So Fast..
My Feelings For That Matter.. My Heart.. Moved So Slowed..
And Baby I Know..
You Treated Me Like a Queen..
This Probably is The Best Relationship.. Maybe Your Love is What I Need..
But I Want..
You Can't Give Me..
Can You Forgive Me..
For Stringing You Along..
And I Know I'm So Wrong..
And I Know You Will Probably Hate Me..
And No Matter How Much Love You Show.. It Will Never Make Me..
Love You The Same Way as I Love My Ex..
As You Try to Change The Subject..
It Will Always Start and End..
With Us Being Friends..
You Can't Help Who You Love..
So When We Kiss.. And We Hug..
My Mind is Else Where..
My Body is With You.. But My Heart Doesn't Care..
Will Never Share..
Or Will Choose..
You..
What's The Use..
When You Say You're in Love.. And Look at Me..
For a Reply..
If You Look in Eyes..
You Will See..
That I'm Not Ready..
Never Was..
Never Will Be..
Please Believe..
I'm Not What You Need..
Because I Will Never Love You Whole-Heartedly..
And I'll Understand If You.. Say Good-Bye to Me..
In All Honesty..
I Think That is What We Should Do Separate..
Because I Tried to Replace..
Tried to Erase..
What We Had..
Try to Understand..
This Will Never Work Out..
And When I Love You.. Comes Out of My Mouth..
It's Never Spoken From My Heart..
And It's Tearing Me Apart..
I Know It's Alot That I Put You Through..
But Why Should You Suffer Because I'm Confused..
And I'm So Sorry..
I Wasted Your Time.. When You Could Actually Be With Somebody..
That Will Never Put You in This Love Triangle..
Be With Someone.. Who's More Than Willing and Able..
To Do What I Can't..
But I Can't Just Turn My Back..
On The Love That I Left Behind..
Because Real Love is So Hard to Find..
So I Just Can't Let Go..
Of What I Once Had.. And The Love That I Know..
Please Forgive Me..
And If You Never Speak to Me..
I Wouldn't Blame You..
You're Not Where My Heart is And I Would Never Change You..
You're Perfect.. Just The Way You Are..
But Our Love Can Only Take Us.. So Far..
I Never Wanted to Cheat..
Or Go Behind Your Back and Creep..
But Our Love is Not Meant to Be..
And My Ex is Meant For Me..
I Take It That You'll Never Understand..
When I'm Holding Your Hand.. And I'm Smiling in Your Face..
In My The Back of Mind.. I'm Already Convinced That You Can't Replace..
Or Separate..
This is Not Up For Debate..
And It's With My Ex Do I Want to Make It Work..
Yes I Know My Worth..
I Know What I Deserve..
I Hear You.. Yes I Heard..
But They Are Just Words..
I Can't Listen..
Refuse To Pay Attention..
When It's The Ex.. That I'm Missing..
I Can't Describe It.. It's Just Different..
So When Love is Mentioned..
I Think of My Ex.. No This is Not a Competition..
I Just Have So Many Reasons..
Why Our Love Has Meaning..
It Appeals To Me..
And I'm Truly Sorry..
That I Moved On To The Next..
Because I'm Still in Love with My Ex..

Dedicated To My #1 Fan..

Some Might Call Your Love For Me.. An Obsession..
I See Pass.. The Crazy.. But I Can't See Why I'm Your Ideal Selection..
Why I Tend To Make You Smile.. When You're Going Through This Whole Depression..
I'm Just Plain Me..
When I Look In The Mirror.. I Try to Look Closer.. To See What You See..
Yet In Still You Love It..
Making Love.. Consistently to The Thought of It..
Closing Your Eyes.. To Just See Me..
High On This Pedestal.. Because Mentally..
I'm The Greatest To Ever Do It..
My Opinions Matter.. You're So Influenced..
Still I'm The Best You Never Had..
And You Got It So Bad..
Ushering In Thoughts That Fulfills..
And It's Instilled..
You Heard About Me..
All The Rights About Me..
Convinced That Nothing About Me is Wrong..
You Are So Gone..
Doubt That I'm Flawed..
Because I'm So Raw..
Incapable of Hurting..
You're So Open..
Begging For Me To Close You..
Praying That One Day I Show You..
Expose To The Real...
Your Desire To Feel..
And Even When I Tell You I'm Not Perfect..
You Reply.. Oh But You're So Worth It..
And You'll Close The Curtains..
On Any Other Show.. Act.. Play.. Playing..
I Have Your Undivided Attention.. And You're Always Paying..
I'm Your Beautiful Nightmare.. You've Never Seen..
At Times It's Scares You.. I Can Be The Person of Your Dreams..
And I Wish I Knew What You Mean..
I'm More Private.. While You're So Public..
Your Display of Affection.. You Love It..
You Adore Me..
Want To Show Me..
Work Me..
Like I've Never Been Worked Before..
You See The Potential In Me.. And So Much More..
Begging For Just One Opportunity..
You Want to Get Used To Me..
Asking If Anything You're Doing.. Is Brand New to Me..
You're So Caught Up Over This..
You Want to Bathe In My Kisses..
Live In My Hugs..
Feel The Pleasure of My Love..
Make You Feel In Ways You Never Felt..
Already Established.. That Once You've Had Me.. There's Nothing Else..
Continue To Demand It.. That I Make You Feel Ways.. That Words Can't Describe..
Tremble At The Thought.. Of Catching My Vibes..
Knees Get Weak.. When We Lock Eyes..
Those Butterflies..
A Cycle of Shyness.. You Repeat This..
Speechless..
To Our Future Experiences..
And You Want To Experience..
You Visit..
You Want to Live In It..
Our Chemistry..
We're Meant To Be..
Not A Groupie.. But Every Time You're Near Me You Have To Re-Group...
And I Feel So Out of The Loop..
It's Something About Me..
That If You Ever Got The Chance To Really Meet Me..
With The Upmost Respect.. Is How You Would Treat Me..
Two Halves of Both Individuals.. You Really Want to Complete Me..
So Sick Of Love Too...
You Want to Be Healed and I Must Inject You..
Some How I Correct You..
Fantasies.. Beginning With Me Laying Next to You..
I Belong to You..
And I Can't Prolong You..
From What You Deserve..
What You Earned..
Me..
My Body..
Every Piece of Me..
And I Sit Back.. Taking Back..
You Swear You're Just Stating Facts..
I Appeal To You..
I Memorize You..
You Envision Me and You..
Gaming..
Proclaiming..
Instigating...
That When Other's Think Your Love's Intimidating...
I Don't.. It's So Fascinating...
When Other's Think That You're Kinda Stalkerish..
I Can't... I Dig It Alittle Bit..
So Don't Change.. Show Me..
You Know That It's Going to Be a We...
And Trust Me Baby... I Can Truly Understand..
Because Not Only Are You My #1.. But Baby I'm You're Biggest Fan...

The Painting Of Me..

It’s funny how you continue to paint an even more complex portrait of me
Every time I think that the picture is simple and understandable, you brush a little more abstract idea or belief
And with every stroke it seems to add a bit of color to my black and white perception of life and my feelings toward you
Every little detail completes me or defines me as the painting becomes more clear that you feel the same way I do
My life stands on the solid foundation you continue to make sure the easel is properly positioned
Just to make sure that the painting doesn’t fall or to add a shade or element of Love that’s missing
You add the color red that defines my heart, which was empty, you occupy that space and it now beats and feels
You add blue and yellow to define the stars and the sky, the few places that gets me high and makes me happy because you make my dreams seem obtainable, you make reaching for the stars seems so real
You also add various colors which in return mix and matches just like my life, How do you know me so well? You understand that my portrait is something that you have to take time with and care for, because you love painting me and it isn’t hard to tell…..

Mistress...

A mistress, A female having power, authority, or ownership; the unofficial wife
A female who has an ongoing extramarital sexual relationship with a man outside of his married life
Mistress; so many situations tend to surface when this 8 letter word is categorized to females who seem so trife
I been called it, called it I’ve been
From bitch, trick, hoe, slut, all the names in the book and it seems like the pages never end
They hurt cuz I did this to them like it’s my fault your man would rather me & him than u & me be friends
But who could disagree, I don’t have a man cuz someone like me put me up on game
If you get your man taken then you need to cuck it up & do the same


Some situations I can’t do nothing but just sit back and laugh
It is them together and all the while he can’t stand her ass.
While she up smiling and grinning claiming she his only and they happy as can be
Damn, I be feeling bad cuz he all over me.
I feel like the other girl, the best girl for the situation that you call your own
You can see me when she can’t and we talk on the phone
You claim its best that you stay with her because you have a rep but you reassure me that we’re meant to be
Then you turn around and tell me you seem to be losing your touch with her and you wanna feel me


Its just cuz I don’t wanna be alone
It’s easy loving someone who is taking care of home
I’m a mistress, a female who has the world at her feet
She entices all the niggaz, not on purpose it just that word on the street
That baby girl can take a man first time they meet
It’s like musical chairs, music stop; it’s not hard for her to find a seat.
She has a head on her shoulders, she sees the big picture
And if she wants you, then it’s not hard for her to get with ya
It’s only matter if time before she has you doing what she wants you to do.


Sometimes it hurts to be the other female you run to
It’s nice to feel appreciated but that’s only when it’s me and you
I want the whole world to understand our relationship & know
But instead it’s just me, you, my friends, your boys and d-low
The late night calls, the visits just to show your there
All the affection, the hugs, the kisses, I Love yous just to show you care
This satisfies me up to a point until I see you with her you’re being there & caring
I see the absences of your love you claim you don’t have with her as I just stand there looking and staring
Only if I could be in her shoes, just for one day to switch places. Then I would know what being the other woman is not knowing his changing faces.


How could he just do this to me?
Cheating with her and he know we’re meant to be
I can’t believe that he could do this and he knows how I feel
All those I love you, baby when he wasn’t keeping it real
I gave my all to him and all I got was baby I’ve been cheating
All those I was at work late and I’ll call you back, should have know he was creeping
Behind my back on some ill ass, you not showing me you care & shit or some I wasn’t listening to you and she was there & shit
I feel so ashamed that I could just kill you and that bitch. I wonder how she feels now that I’m the mistress and she the main chick...

Your Hiding..

Listen Baby.. I Know That You've Been Hurt in The Past...
And You Wonder Why with You.. Love Never Seems to Lasts..
And You Tend to Let That Interfere with Your Present..
And I Know That You're Not Guilty.. But You Know That You're Innocent..
I Know That You've Been Hurt..
And Everytime Someone Comes into Your Life.. They Make U Feel Special.. Like You Mean Something.. And When They Leave.. Your Left Questioning Your Worth..
You Feel Like When You Open Your Mouth.. Words Come Out.. Things Get Said..
Feelings Get Hurt.. So You Believe That Things are Better Left Unsaid..
You Feel Like You Could Never Make a Difference.. And at Times You Wish Things Were Different..
You Think That Maybe If You Listened..
To The Word Spoken By Your Exs..
You Could Be Able To Express Yourself.. Give More Of Yourself.. More That What's Expected..
Less Feeling Sorry For Yourself.. Looking in The Mirror.. Feeling Like Neither One of You is Respected...
So You Panic..
Run Away From The Real.. Because Physically You Can.. But Mentally.. You Can't Handle It..
Mind Racing..
Contemplating..
People.. Beliefs... Ideas..
Your Biggest Fears..
Scared to Move Forward..
Making Progress..
But Process is What You Lack..
Sure.. You're Walking But You're Always Looking Back..
So Convinced That You Will Miss Out on Something in The Past.. That You Fail To See Your Future.. Fail To Connect To Your Present..
And If It Wasn't Evident..
That You Really Don't Know What You Want.. Confused..
Unfocused..
Hopeless..
But Yet So Hopeful..
You Don't Want to Kiss.. But You Want to Hug..
Don't Want to Get Hurt.. But You Want To Be in Love..
You Understand.. But Then You're Over It..
When You Feel like Love is Not in Your Favor.. And You Don't Benefit..
But The Fact of The Matter is..
I Mean You Know What Love is.. What it Brings..
You Think You Do..
Well You Think You Know Enough.. To Do The Right Thing..
And Because Most of The Times.. You Feel Like It's Right..
And If It Was Wrong..
The Feelings Wouldn't Be So Strong..
But Yet in Still You Love..
Well You Try..
And When Trying is Not Enough.. You Criticize..
Emphasize..
The Single Life..
You Question.. Life As You Have Known It Too Be..
Questioning.. Love and It's Chemistry..
And Why You Never Seem to React..
Questioning.. Why You Give Love and Why You Never Really Get It Back..
I Mean You Have All The Ingredients to Make Real Love..
At Least Produce..
But Then You Sit Back and Think What's The Use...
Because No One Will Ever Understand You..
The Way You Love..
The Way You Care..
The Way You Share..
I Mean You've Changed..
For The Good..
But Why Can't See Anyone See..
That I Have Enough Hard of a Time Loving Me..
So At Times Yes I Replace Lust with Love..
I'll Admit Sex is My Drug..
I Have Faults.. I'm Not Perfect No One Is.. As You Can See..
I'm Me..
Stop Trying to Change Me..
I'll Be The Same Me..
If You Love Me..
Or Leaved Me..
And Somehow I Feel Lost.. Looking For Something..
I Can't Even Dream of Happiness.. When I Close My Eyes.. I See Nothing..
But Lonely Nights with Sleep..
I Pray to God.. That He'll Bless Me For Loving You.. And He'll Let You See..
Until Then.. I'm Praying For Peace..
Because I Can't Stop Focusing On Why People Seem to Never Trust Me..
Like I'm Just This Bad Person... Pretending to Care.. Like My Sincerity is All an Act..
When It's Just Being Able to Share My Feelings is What I Lack..
Not Afraid Of Commitment..
Because If I Found Someone Who I Could Fall in Love With.. I Swear This Time Would Be Different..
What People Fail to See..
Is That I Hurt Too..
Yes I've Hurt Others.. And If Could Make It Better.. I Would Give The Rest of My Life.. Making It Up to Them.. It's Nothing I Wouldn't Do..
It's Just Hard Sometimes..
To Express And Say The Things That On My Mind..
What If You Don't Feel The Same Way?
What If What I Say Makes You Want to Leave and Not Stay?
Everyone Swears That I'm Full of Games.. And I Always Play..
Never Serious.. Hardly Real..
And You Could Never Possibly Imagine How That's Makes Me Feel..
When You Think All I Do Is Lie...
Like All I Really Wanna Do is Make You Cry..
When All I Want You to Be is Happy.. With or Without Me..
You Will Never Know..
How Much You Mean to Me.. Because My Feelings.. I Will Never Show..
I Swear It's So Hard..
To Listen to You Tell Me.. You Don't Want Me... Need Me.. Like I'm Supposed to Disregard..
My Feelings..
I'm Not Willing..
To Let You Go..
I Just Wish You Could Read My Mind.. See My Thoughts..
Know That When I Was Lost..
You Found Me..
Surrounded Me..
Supported Me..
You Know Me...
Believed in Me..
Seen Right Through Me..
You Know That This Life That I Live..
If You Really Said You Wanted to Be With Me.. This Life.. The People.. I Would Trade It All In or Up.. I Would Give..
It's Difficult to Say Here's The Key to My Heart.. You'll Always Have a Place to Stay.. Please Use It..
When I Do All Of This Just to Feel Stupid..
When I Misinterpret.. Read All The Wrong Signs..
You Tell Me You Love.. And I Tell You I Can See Myself with You.. But We Both Know Love is Blind..
You Say Prove To You..
That I Love You.. But I Can't Physically Imply..
That You Made Me Realize..
Love Again.. So I Try To Hide..
Maybe I Should Write You a Letter..
Would That Make Us Better..
Would You Acknowledge Me.. As Someone You Could See Yourself Being With.. Honestly...
Maybe If I Texted..
That You Were The Best..
Thing That Ever Happened to Me..
Would That Make You See..
I'm Trying..
I'll Stop Lying..
Stop Keeping Things..
Share My Revelations..
Stop Holding On To Information..
I Just Know That If I Shared My Soul..
It Would Make You Look at Me Different.. And Low and Behold..
You'll Look at Me and My Love Like it's Suspect..
When I Just Wanna Love You on Every Aspect..
I Don't Want You To Judge Me..
I Just Want You To Love Me.. Unconditionally...
I Just Want You To See Me As Your Beginning and Ending..
The Only One Your With.. And The One Whose Time Your Always Spending....
And To Tell U The Truth..
This.. I'm Not Used Too..
Someone Needing..
Someone Meeting..
Me Halfway..
You're My Sooner Than Later.. And Maybe One Day..
I Can Say..
Excuse Me..
This is The New Me..
Please Bare With Me..
Be Patient With Me..
Today I Stopped Hiding...
And Started Confiding..
But I Just Need to Know..
Will You Stay or Go..
When I'm Ready to Tell You.. Will You Be There..
Be Able to Embrace This Together.. I Hope This Experience.. We Both Can Share..
I Just Need to Know.. Can I Count On You.. To Understand..
To Listen.. As a Friend..
Please Know That We Will Get It Together One Day..
If You Can Look Beyond My Faults.. And Love Me Inspite of My Mistakes..
Then We'll Keep Trying Till We Get It Right.. We'll Both Promise To Make It Work.. And Do Whatever It Takes...